Vaux Karn
The Mercenary Collective
60
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Posted - 2014.04.07 03:46:00 -
[1] - Quote
The cynical truths about the races of New Eden:
Amarr- They have Vitoc which is a highly addictive mind control drug which they supply to their slave to keep them docile, they adorn themselves with unnecessary amounts of gold, use flashy and cool lasers, and are also religious fanatics. They can also afford to bribe pretty much anyone, to the point of Concord and D.E.D. completely ignoring mass murders, chemical and biological warfare, cruel and inhumane torture programs, many more atrocities against heretics and blasphemers, and even complete religious hypocrisy. Oh and their leader, the Empress, is completely kittening nuts with a second personality that is a genocidal kitten knocker, which she refers to as the Other...oooh...spooky. She knows how to get things done, but the entire rest of the galaxy thinks that the Amarr are complete and total kittenwads, so they tend to get opposed by everyone and can never get anything done.
Caldari- They have the unstoppable corporate machine which builds itself up on the bodies of its people, if you don't get promoted early you don't get promoted...ever. Every citizen must serve in the military before slaving away the rest of their lives to a corporation. They have shields, rail guns, and missiles...these are designed just like their chances at promotion, the further it is away the more they succeed but once you get close they become overworked and die. They are led by a genocidal former terrorist known as Tibus Heth, who is a paranoid maniac who never would have gotten out of his dead end job if it weren't for the Broker, a twisted economic mastermind who can be anywhere and anyone. Tibus is too paranoid to ever do anything on his own and too stupid to ever do anything right without instructions from the broker, so he never gets anything done. After Heth are the shareholders for the large corporations, all they care about is profits, so they only ever do anything that hurts their own working class.
Gallente- The shining example of freedom in New Eden...so much so that they are free to bicker and disagree about absolutely everything, to the point that they can never get anything done...yay freedom! They believe in freedom so much that they must go to war against other empires to force freedom upon them...yay hypocritical freedom! They value human life immensely but practically have to put it to a vote as to whether or not they should provide aide to a society being massacred because freedom means voting...yay freedom! They use armor, blasters, and drones, because robots don't have souls and they aren't really alive despite their artificial intelligence, so they can be destroyed and blasters tear apart anything that gets past the drones...yay sacrificial mechanical life forms! They are led by President Roden, a former low level associate of the criminal underworld who got away with the murder of a corrupt cop and then bought the election after running on a platform of fear tactics and blaming the incumbent for everything.
Minmatar- Former slaves who use a tribal system of government in which they spend almost as much time killing each other as they do their sworn enemies and former oppressors, the Amarr. But their true advantage is that all of their technology is rooted in duct tape and WD-40...if it breaks, they fix it, and if it never broke then it belongs to someone else...and they steal it! Their slogan is "In rust we trust," because they can't afford enough WD-40 to stop thing from rusting, just enough to make parts move that don't move but are supposed to. They have the lowest level of technology, still relying on obsolete things like gun powder to shoot their guns. They aren't known for their armor or shields, so they have learned to run away very quickly...which becomes really important when the steal your kitten...or get looked at the wrong way! They are led by a council of Elders, which everyone in Minmatar society believes to be just a myth, so they can never get anything done either.
There you go...that is every race and why their advantages mean nothing when compared to their total ineptitude. Now, if you would please excuse me, I have to go into hiding before they all try to kill me... |