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Jacques Cayton II
Providence Guard Templis CALSF
444
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Posted - 2014.01.06 02:55:00 -
[1] - Quote
The Peace on Dantumi Part One
It was the beginning of summer on Dantumi and a perfect time for a vacation where one can fish and enjoy ones family. " Jacques. Wake up." Yuni whispered, "Huh? What I - I wasn't asleep!" I said as I sit upright. "Yes you were. And just because we are all fishing doesn't mean you can sleep, after all the kids have missed you." She said as she held me gently held me in her embrace. I had been gone for 3 months fighting the Federation all over the Black Rise Region fighting for the State and earning isk for my family.
I glanced to my right to see my eldest son Jacques Cayton III or JC asleep under a Chuta tree. He looked further to see his other two children playing by the sandbar , their names where Maza and Calto. Maza was his little princess at the age of 11, and Calto his little warrior whom had just turned 9. They were playing in the sand at the ttime.Yuni asked, "Wanna head back? I'll wake JC." I reply, "Yes dear, but leave JC be he needs his rest."
So I get up and motion for the kids to come hear. The two kids start to hastily run towards him. He puts his finger to his mouth and shushes the two. They realize what's happening and start to tip toe towards their parents. Yuni leans in and says, "That's your side of the family." I look at her and grin. The kids finally make it to them and they begin to head to the vehicles. "Let's leave JC a Saga." I tell Yuni. "You spoil him you know that?" She grins as she gets in the LAV. I grin to myself and think of my childhood, then I start the truck and drive to the estate.
JC later wakes up around dawn and notice he's alone. Then he sees the Saga and thinks to himself, "I'm gonna ruin this road." , as he grins and sits in the LAV. He cranked it up and had a flashback of Oicx and how his entire platoon was destroyed by the battalion of Federation Marines. He whimpered and drove down the dirt road to head back to the estate.
As he arrives after an hour or two of joy riding. The estates rooms were dark except the living rooms and kitchen area. He headed to the living room to discover me playing a popular video game with Calto. As JC came in and sat beside Calto my Neocom went off. I hand my character controls to JC and went to another room to read the message. I saw it was from an associate in wirykomi who offers me a job.
The contract said I can pick an extra gun to help. The details read that a group of Blood Raiders were harassing the wirykomi factories on Maturat VI Moon 11. They sent a total of 5 honor guard companies and 3 frigates with one dreadnought at the Blood Raiders stronghold, and only 2 platoons came back with only 1 frigate to make it back. Now they wanted to send double that and a squad of mercs to take them from the rear and do the dirty work and grab any tech they may have.
The pay was to good to pass up though it was 100 mil each merc if he accepts. I headed back as Yuni called for dinner and was setting up the table. On the way I accepted the contract and setup a way to the pickup site in a week. I sat down in deep thought as to what I was going to bring. Yuni handed out the food and asked, "Jacques are you ok?" I looked up and saw her bright green eyes glaring at my very soul. "Uh um yes yes dear. Every things fine." I said knowing she'd ask again. "Jacques! Tell me what is wrong!" She said loudly. "Okay, okay dear. I'll tell you." I said.
I took a deep breath and said, "I accepted a contract a week from now." She looked angry and asked, "What else?" I quickly answered, " I was hoping JC would join me." As I finished my statement she got up and took the kids to their rooms. JC just sat their with a look of fright, but also happiness. As he met my eyes he asked, "Are you sure?" I replied, " I'd brather have you watching my back than anyone else son." He smiled then asked, "What about Mom?" I frowned and said, " I'll have to apologize and probably make up another lie about what we are really doing."
2 more parts after this hope you enjoyed it
We fight for the future of the State not our
personal goals
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Jacques Cayton II
Providence Guard Templis CALSF
445
|
Posted - 2014.01.06 03:26:00 -
[2] - Quote
Please if you like it or not leave me a message I'm not the best writer I'm just enthusiastic
We fight for the future of the State not our
personal goals
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True Adamance
Kameira Lodge Amarr Empire
5408
|
Posted - 2014.01.06 03:45:00 -
[3] - Quote
I have a bit of a review, love the premise, my issue/ suggestion is more about layout to make it flow a bit more and easier to read.
Oh and I can't wait for Leithe to dissappoint JCIII immensely. Not all Caldari are as noble as da'......
To a Texan like you, a hero is some type of weird sandwich, not some nut who takes on three Gunlogi.
Reference = ISK
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Jacques Cayton II
Providence Guard Templis CALSF
446
|
Posted - 2014.01.06 04:26:00 -
[4] - Quote
Oh you'll never guess who gets killed by Leithe and who kills him oh spoiler alert
We fight for the future of the State not our
personal goals
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True Adamance
Kameira Lodge Amarr Empire
5413
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Posted - 2014.01.06 08:39:00 -
[5] - Quote
Jacques Cayton II wrote:Oh you'll never guess who gets killed by Leithe and who kills him oh spoiler alert If it came down to it Leithe would ultimately be able to kill True.
To a Texan like you, a hero is some type of weird sandwich, not some nut who takes on three Gunlogi.
Reference = ISK
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Jacques Cayton II
Providence Guard Templis CALSF
450
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Posted - 2014.01.06 09:07:00 -
[6] - Quote
Very close huehuehuehue
We fight for the future of the State not our
personal goals
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True Adamance
Kameira Lodge Amarr Empire
5413
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Posted - 2014.01.06 09:31:00 -
[7] - Quote
Okay so my main critique of the work is that it is difficult to discern were the speech begins and where it ends, it sort of blurs into the descriptive elements. I would if I were you instead of breaking down into the paragraphs you have now break them down instead into descriptive and speech sections.
However if you feel some aspect of the speech needs the descriptors to explain certain inflections or emotions then simply tie that in to how your character says that, what he thinks as he says something, how he feels about what he has said.
I feel that would simply improve flow of the text and more over the overall enjoyment.
I like your writing here, I just find it a bit clunky when I try to read it.
((So which of my dudes dies? True I guess he'd abandon any of you if it meant Satja was in danger prolly drives over a mine or maybe he bleeds out after he's cut in half by shrapnel.....Leithe does not take kindly to being killed.....that comes as part of being a reclusive, depressed, junkie with serious psychological trauma....not that I have gotten to the point in RP where he has trusted anyone enough to tell them the story.))
To a Texan like you, a hero is some type of weird sandwich, not some nut who takes on three Gunlogi.
Reference = ISK
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Jacques Cayton II
Providence Guard Templis CALSF
452
|
Posted - 2014.01.06 10:58:00 -
[8] - Quote
True Adamance wrote:Okay so my main critique of the work is that it is difficult to discern were the speech begins and where it ends, it sort of blurs into the descriptive elements. I would if I were you instead of breaking down into the paragraphs you have now break them down instead into descriptive and speech sections.
However if you feel some aspect of the speech needs the descriptors to explain certain inflections or emotions then simply tie that in to how your character says that, what he thinks as he says something, how he feels about what he has said.
I feel that would simply improve flow of the text and more over the overall enjoyment.
I like your writing here, I just find it a bit clunky when I try to read it.
((So which of my dudes dies? True I guess he'd abandon any of you if it meant Satja was in danger prolly drives over a mine or maybe he bleeds out after he's cut in half by shrapnel.....Leithe does not take kindly to being killed.....that comes as part of being a reclusive, depressed, junkie with serious psychological trauma....not that I have gotten to the point in RP where he has trusted anyone enough to tell them the story.)) Thank you for your feedback I did this on a 24 hour guard of the barracks so it is probably bad and now I'm going to sleep. ((Also I'm not going to give it away but it does involve murder and one protecting another let's hint towards being paid off by another group that's all I'm going to add still not done with part 2 it's longer more complex. Part Three is the action part two is the meeting and arrival to the bloodraiders fortress
We fight for the future of the State not our
personal goals
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True Adamance
Kameira Lodge Amarr Empire
5423
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Posted - 2014.01.07 09:24:00 -
[9] - Quote
I might write something like this if everyone agrees to it. I have a knack for channeling characters including those who aren't my own.... I wish I could post some of the old Dark Souls War for the Painted World (we had something like 50 players from a number of player made covenants fighting it out in the PW with me writing a story to follow the progress, reflecting the results of our duels, massacres, and successful host defences.).
However I guess in mine we would be more likely to fight against one another on multiple sides using FW death matches to determine who bests who in the story line.
To a Texan like you, a hero is some type of weird sandwich, not some nut who takes on three Gunlogi.
Reference = ISK
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Jacques Cayton II
Providence Guard Templis CALSF
461
|
Posted - 2014.01.07 12:05:00 -
[10] - Quote
I wouldn't mind but my character Jacques Cayton II in my story is apart of the upper class of fighters for Caldari and has a certain pull and drive to help out the State and her allies
We fight for the future of the State not our
personal goals
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Raylon Mortien
Eternal Beings
4
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Posted - 2014.01.09 10:28:00 -
[11] - Quote
on CQ, sounds like 24hrs of fun in the sun.... anyway i like it so far! The dialogue could use more description. waiting for the next one!
"Sir, we are surrounded!"
"Excellent, now we can attack in any direction!"
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XANDER KAG
Red Star. EoN.
538
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Posted - 2014.01.10 07:11:00 -
[12] - Quote
Interesting, I want to see were this goes now.
Who says you can't kill in style?
When CCP plays Dust514
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