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True Adamance
Kameira Lodge
Amarr Empire
5408
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Posted - 2014.01.06 03:45:00 -
[1] - Quote
I have a bit of a review, love the premise, my issue/ suggestion is more about layout to make it flow a bit more and easier to read.
Oh and I can't wait for Leithe to dissappoint JCIII immensely. Not all Caldari are as noble as da'......
To a Texan like you, a hero is some type of weird sandwich, not some nut who takes on three Gunlogi.
Reference = ISK
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True Adamance
Kameira Lodge
Amarr Empire
5413
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Posted - 2014.01.06 08:39:00 -
[2] - Quote
Jacques Cayton II wrote:Oh you'll never guess who gets killed by Leithe and who kills him oh spoiler alert
If it came down to it Leithe would ultimately be able to kill True.
To a Texan like you, a hero is some type of weird sandwich, not some nut who takes on three Gunlogi.
Reference = ISK
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True Adamance
Kameira Lodge
Amarr Empire
5413
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Posted - 2014.01.06 09:31:00 -
[3] - Quote
Okay so my main critique of the work is that it is difficult to discern were the speech begins and where it ends, it sort of blurs into the descriptive elements. I would if I were you instead of breaking down into the paragraphs you have now break them down instead into descriptive and speech sections.
However if you feel some aspect of the speech needs the descriptors to explain certain inflections or emotions then simply tie that in to how your character says that, what he thinks as he says something, how he feels about what he has said.
I feel that would simply improve flow of the text and more over the overall enjoyment.
I like your writing here, I just find it a bit clunky when I try to read it.
((So which of my dudes dies? True I guess he'd abandon any of you if it meant Satja was in danger prolly drives over a mine or maybe he bleeds out after he's cut in half by shrapnel.....Leithe does not take kindly to being killed.....that comes as part of being a reclusive, depressed, junkie with serious psychological trauma....not that I have gotten to the point in RP where he has trusted anyone enough to tell them the story.))
To a Texan like you, a hero is some type of weird sandwich, not some nut who takes on three Gunlogi.
Reference = ISK
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True Adamance
Kameira Lodge
Amarr Empire
5423
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Posted - 2014.01.07 09:24:00 -
[4] - Quote
I might write something like this if everyone agrees to it. I have a knack for channeling characters including those who aren't my own.... I wish I could post some of the old Dark Souls War for the Painted World (we had something like 50 players from a number of player made covenants fighting it out in the PW with me writing a story to follow the progress, reflecting the results of our duels, massacres, and successful host defences.).
However I guess in mine we would be more likely to fight against one another on multiple sides using FW death matches to determine who bests who in the story line.
To a Texan like you, a hero is some type of weird sandwich, not some nut who takes on three Gunlogi.
Reference = ISK
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