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21yrOld Knight
High-Damage
107
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Posted - 2013.09.10 03:04:00 -
[1] - Quote
Going 514 this was a phrase Yun Hee Ryeon made up and i agree with it. A dust merc can easily go insane due to his experiences in battle that is what going 514 is. Now what i am going to explain how i went 514. Before i became a merc i was rather peaceful and worked in my families furniture shop. I didn't really care about profit until my younger brother tried to take the workshop from me. He tried to kill me. Of course he failed because i am still here. There is one thing though that i can't clearly remember though is what happen to the workshop. I have watched the video though of what happened to it but i simply don't remember doing so. It is a rather violent video. Me walking in my caldari Adv drop-suit shooting everything that is near me watching my Plasma bullets light all items they go near on fire. They probally didn't even know who i was. Even with all of my combat experience i can't watch my self kill my family brutality in a blind rage. In other words I earned my immortality for blindly killing my family. Was I recruited for my blind savage approach to life? Probably and sadly yes. When I look at the video it makes me avoid that kind of person. I don't want to be a savage but a man of business not a ruthless killer. I think something changed in me when i saw the video. I hopefully will never go insane. Hopefully i will always be rational. Yet i still have that one question in my head why can't i remember killing my family it is as if the memory was removed. It wasn't transferred after my first death. Did I go 514 when i became a mercenary? I think so. I also believe that my memory was erased after i went insane so I wouldn't go 514 again.
I urge all of you to be careful with your power so your immortality doesn't cost a lot like it has to me. |
Galm Fae
Guardian Solutions
DARKSTAR ARMY
97
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Posted - 2013.09.10 04:11:00 -
[2] - Quote
I could be mistaken, but I think I was the first to coin the term "going 514" in some older posts. I could be wrong and it matters little, I am just glad the term caught on. It raises awareness of the very real threat that we face as immortals. It's a constant fear that I struggled with every day of my unlife.
My most sincere condolences for your loss. No man should have to go through that. I can promise you that you are not alone out there. I've had my run-in with the horrors of losing your mind to the constant stress of combat. Mixed in with the mindfuck of a faulty implant, it can seriously mess you up.
These days I try to keep back the tide in any way I can. When I can keep myself at rest and think clearly I feel just fine. Other times however, I will go through phases where my current state will degrade for weeks at a time before I finally bounce back. I tried blue pills, but they just made me more manic and the hallucinations kept giving me nightmares. Mindflood dulled the pain just fine, but eventually you come down from that high and you just want to shoot yourself to make the sickness stop, or you end up relapsing in the middle of a mission.
My newest poison is frentix. I guzzle down a bottle and just lay in my rack, riding out the storm. I hate myself for it, but it is better than losing it and spiraling into depression, y'know? |
Yun Hee Ryeon
Dead Six Initiative
Lokun Listamenn
253
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Posted - 2013.09.10 04:27:00 -
[3] - Quote
Destructive rage is ... a poisonous, corrosive thing. I am sorry to hear of this, soldier.
If you will forgive a respectful digression, it was Galm Fae who coined the phrase, "going 514" ... or at least expanded it to apply to the broader reach of capsuleer insanity.
Also respectfully, while I do believe it is useful there (the first generation is all but extinct, either purged or upgraded), it seems wise not to broaden the scope further. As such, respectfully, you have not gone 514 yet. What you experienced, and what you did, was a more "conventional" sort of break, one you could experience as a baseliner, before becoming one of us.
This is not to diminish the horror of your experience, only to isolate it a little from the ones that are specific to ourselves and our state.
If your experiences as a clone soldier snap your mind and you find yourself reliving the horrors of your past with somebody else's family, that will be you "going 514." An event to avoid, I'm sure you will agree.
Since we are sharing, I should explain that, like you, I have experienced a species of madness: a curse of abstraction. There is a hole in my spirit, a pit of nothingness, and it has consumed things that I should have loved. Like you, I have not gone 514; my own little curse predates my introduction into this life.
Sometimes I think this damage I have sustained is what lets me remain sane. I feel the same pains, the same shocks-- only I perhaps care less about them. I understand only too well that this body is not me-- and, more, that what becomes of it, or of me, truly does not matter. It makes me worry that perhaps the methods I use to avoid breaking, to avoid going 514, might work only for those who are damaged as I am.
It seems that many of us have "histories," of course. Perhaps our creators specifically selected such candidates. Perhaps they did not know ... or, perhaps they just didn't care very much.
Perhaps one day we will know. |
Denak Kalamari
Intaki Liberation Front
Intaki Prosperity Initiative
442
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Posted - 2013.09.10 06:15:00 -
[4] - Quote
I am sorry to hear about your story, Knight. And yes, it was Galm who originally used the term: "Going 514" to mean the broader case of insanity and psychosis clone soldiers are experiencing. Perhaps it could be called the: "514 Psychosis", but that is all trivial at the moment. When reading all these cases, I have a feel that this psychosis' symptoms are as varied as are the methods of dealing with them. That's why I'll share my own stories.
Lately, I have had, doubts, about myself. Whether I am in my leisure clone or off-duty clone, I look down on myself and think: "Is this me?", it's confusing. The battles I've fought have become a blur, like a distant bad dream where I only remember occasional flashes, and the pain. When I go into a battle, I have this feeling, like, it's not really happening. I feel like I'm just in some nightmare I can't wake up from. I don't know if I'm going to turn left, turn right, walk forward or just stop and fall onto my knees. When I speak, the words I say make me confused, they don't make any sense to me.
But when I get shot, it feels very much real. I collapse on the ground when my legs were shot. I try to push myself up but my shoulders are shattered. I try to breath but my lungs ruptured. I try to yell help, but blood fills my mouth and I can only gurgle. I panic, I try to drag my broken body to a safe spot with the only hand I have left and my body feels like it's on fire. Next thing I know I'm lying on the floor of my quarters. My body still feels broken, but it's perfectly fine. Minutes pass, and I eventually shake it off and continue with my life, despite the pain.
Finally, I think I can feel the darkness, that moment between switching bodies, when you aren't inhabiting a body. In there is nothing, no sound, no feel, no smell, no touch, nothing. Still, I know I'm there, in that darkness, by myself, alone. It feels, good. In there is no pain, no noise, no distractions. In there I can be alone, clear my thoughts so I can prepare myself for another battle. Sometimes this transition period only lasts a brief moment, sometimes it lasts like an eternity. It helps me stay sane, but have I snapped already? Have I, gone 514? |
True Adamance
PIE Inc.
Praetoria Imperialis Excubitoris
1893
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Posted - 2013.09.10 07:38:00 -
[5] - Quote
I can see how these sorts of instances can trouble you all so.....
Perhaps it is more worrying that I do not experience these things. |
XANDER KAG
Red Star.
EoN.
255
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Posted - 2013.09.10 21:40:00 -
[6] - Quote
When I begin to feel strained or confused, I walk among the mortals in my home station. Seeing, and on the rare occasions when they are brave enough to talk, talking to them reminds me of what I fight for, and that much of my suffering keeps these people from seeing how cruel the universe can really be. I grew up with the desire to help people, maybe that part of my nature is keeping me from completely losing my sanity. Otherwise I just stare at the stars until the feelings pass.
I do not know if these could be classified as going 514, but they are incredibly powerful none the less. |
21yrOld Knight
High-Damage
108
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Posted - 2013.09.11 00:30:00 -
[7] - Quote
I apologize galm about not giving you credit I did not know. I do agree with you Yun hee Ryeon. |
Galm Fae
Guardian Solutions
DARKSTAR ARMY
97
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Posted - 2013.09.11 00:58:00 -
[8] - Quote
Rikaato. Again, I am just happy that the term is finally being applied by people more qualified to speak on this matter than myself. As Ryeon-haani spoke, I don't believe that any of us have gone around the bend yet. Some of us might be at the threshold, but we still seem to be in control of our own actions most of the time. Even Foley, mad as he is, hasn't really suffered from the type of madness we are talking about. As long as this summit continues and we are allowed to help eachother overcome our demons, we stand a very good chance of keeping composed.
I twitch sometimes and become irritable in the chow line, sure. But that is a far cry from crawling around on all fours and talking to people that aren't there. In my opinion, this form of madness is far worse than the issues we saw in the first generations. You can purge a first gen out of his implant, but when a man's mind is broken there is little you can do except put him down for good. It is one thing to joke about it or use it as an excuse for sick leave. It is another to truly seem a man break down beyond repair and cave in on himself.
(Side note: It is a fair call that we have our own histories. Then again, you don't rack the kind of combat record that gets you into this program by staying home and studying.)
Additionally, Ryeon-haani... Forgive me, but the conditions you describe t--
Respectfully withdrawn. I don't mean to pry. Should you wish to discuss your condition I would be happy to in areas far more suitable and private than here. If not, I understand perfectly. I would never wish to be a bother. |
Jedah McClintock
McClintock's Mercs
58
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Posted - 2013.09.11 02:53:00 -
[9] - Quote
As for myself, the stress of combat doesn't feel any greater than it did when I was still a mere mortal. Of course fighting all the time can really, really be taxing on the psyche. That's why I try to catch a break regularly. I know I'm falling behind other mercenaries in terms of getting more skilled and making more money but as long as I don't burn out I can reach my goals. |
Aria Gomes
DUST CORE
DARKSTAR ARMY
34
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Posted - 2013.09.11 04:58:00 -
[10] - Quote
I've battled day in and day out. As soon as I wake up, I check how many fits I have and if I need to restock then I sign up immediately. Once it's 3:00 I finally call it a night snd get some rest. The only time I take a break is to eat some food an use the bathroom, and I eat breakfast usually after a few battles.
It's tiring but it's worth it when the check comes in afterwards. I do have some moments in battle.though where I flip out and can't concentrate. I start to miss enemy targets, don't pay attention to my enviroment and get into fits of anger. I almost punched a person on my team because he got in my way while I was under fire and trying to run away. |
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DeadlyAztec11
Chatelain Rapid Response
Gallente Federation
2142
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Posted - 2013.09.15 23:53:00 -
[11] - Quote
It gets better.
I was part of a prototype cloning project, a long time ago... But I digress; my implants were based off of the first implants. They were a cheaper version, meant to make it easier to mass produce. Unfortunately, it had a lot of adverse effects, mostly on memory loss (including primal things like speech). With the introduction of new and improved implants on the inter galactic market, the project was terminated.
I have had a lot of supposed mental issues. [Un]fortunately, I usually black out when I get to out of control. I also suffer from a mental disorder, seeing those who either died long ago or never existed in the first place, even so, this is one of my 'conditions' that is actually useful. Despite it all, the Gallante Federation has given me purpose through the use of third party organizations.
You just need to set a goal for yourself and don't let anything stand in your way. A busy mind is a healthy mind. |
Soulja Ghostface
MCDUSTDONALDS
12
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Posted - 2013.09.16 00:16:00 -
[12] - Quote
Going 514 is good thing. It relieves the stresses of trolls in this game. I had your mindset of going 514 when i was quite new to this game. when all of a sudden a redberry appeared behind me. he did not shoot me but instead started jumping. being as drunk as i was at the time i started jumping too, even a blueberry started jumping . until a friendly plasma cannon blew him up. i ended that match with 5 deaths 14 kills. ever since that match i embraced the natural instinct of going berserk after i fall out of
a MCC. |
True Adamance
PIE Inc.
Praetoria Imperialis Excubitoris
2002
|
Posted - 2013.09.16 00:47:00 -
[13] - Quote
Soulja Ghostface wrote:Going 514 is good thing. It relieves the stresses of trolls in this game. I had your mindset of going 514 when i was quite new to this game. when all of a sudden a redberry appeared behind me. he did not shoot me but instead started jumping. being as drunk as i was at the time i started jumping too, even a blueberry started jumping . until a friendly plasma cannon blew him up. i ended that match with 5 deaths 14 kills. ever since that match i embraced the natural instinct of going berserk after i fall out of
a MCC.
(( IGS is an IC posting zone what is this game you speak of?)) |
Monkey MAC
killer taxi company
General Tso's Alliance
517
|
Posted - 2013.09.17 23:11:00 -
[14] - Quote
Going 514 is just the sign of a week willed mind, I am for ever hearing that number, but I remain unwavering as I strive for my grand scheme!! |
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