Denak Kalamari
Intaki Liberation Front
Intaki Prosperity Initiative
442
   |
Posted - 2013.09.10 06:15:00 -
[1] - Quote
I am sorry to hear about your story, Knight. And yes, it was Galm who originally used the term: "Going 514" to mean the broader case of insanity and psychosis clone soldiers are experiencing. Perhaps it could be called the: "514 Psychosis", but that is all trivial at the moment. When reading all these cases, I have a feel that this psychosis' symptoms are as varied as are the methods of dealing with them. That's why I'll share my own stories.
Lately, I have had, doubts, about myself. Whether I am in my leisure clone or off-duty clone, I look down on myself and think: "Is this me?", it's confusing. The battles I've fought have become a blur, like a distant bad dream where I only remember occasional flashes, and the pain. When I go into a battle, I have this feeling, like, it's not really happening. I feel like I'm just in some nightmare I can't wake up from. I don't know if I'm going to turn left, turn right, walk forward or just stop and fall onto my knees. When I speak, the words I say make me confused, they don't make any sense to me.
But when I get shot, it feels very much real. I collapse on the ground when my legs were shot. I try to push myself up but my shoulders are shattered. I try to breath but my lungs ruptured. I try to yell help, but blood fills my mouth and I can only gurgle. I panic, I try to drag my broken body to a safe spot with the only hand I have left and my body feels like it's on fire. Next thing I know I'm lying on the floor of my quarters. My body still feels broken, but it's perfectly fine. Minutes pass, and I eventually shake it off and continue with my life, despite the pain.
Finally, I think I can feel the darkness, that moment between switching bodies, when you aren't inhabiting a body. In there is nothing, no sound, no feel, no smell, no touch, nothing. Still, I know I'm there, in that darkness, by myself, alone. It feels, good. In there is no pain, no noise, no distractions. In there I can be alone, clear my thoughts so I can prepare myself for another battle. Sometimes this transition period only lasts a brief moment, sometimes it lasts like an eternity. It helps me stay sane, but have I snapped already? Have I, gone 514? |