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Zyanic
BetaMax.
6
   |
Posted - 2013.08.02 15:05:00 -
[1] - Quote
The moons of Essence housed some of the most idiotic, yet vibrant men in New Eden as it was said that everyone placed this godly place would have 2 paths to take with branches beyond them. To be born of the Pure Gallente race, we mercenaries thought of ourselves as the best of the best. Trying to outdo the Caldari in weaponry, soldiers, resources, in every way possible we wanted to win.
I came home to Essence after assisting the Minmatar in a Conquest battle to defend Molden Heath from Amarr Mercs. My mind wasn't in the best of conditions. I've been inside of a Corporation and have been a spy for months now as I've been sent to gather information on their powers. As a Gallente Official, I need to inquire each of the known Gallente Corp's strength to see of their effectiveness in a battle against he Amarr and Caldari. For a while now they've seemed like a fun group earning money here and there, trusting each other in every way possible on and off the field. The CEO being a nice guy and the members prime followers in both body and spirit. Relaying all of my seeings to Gallente Prime I told them that they'd be perfect in assaults towards taking Caldari Prime. The issue that came over me was that i sent that message 18 weeks ago and still no word. People I've always spoken to inside the Government all stopped speaking to me and my family was taken into prison. When the CEO caught whiff of this he immediately called a meeting.
I was struck by nothing.... no emotion.... no care.... no nothing.... I was a so-called "patriot" for my race as I've fought whenever i was needed and asked no questions. My CEO met with his Directors and kicked me out of the Corporation with no feelings at all. That was actually the first time I saw him without a smile. Days later my quarters were sieged by the Government with the idea of me being a Caldari spy. So, I left Essence and went to Molden Heath.... the Mercenary Battleground with every other Merc looking like me, nothing to live for but for money, allies, and themselves. New Eden's underground contained everything i have seen since my first battle in Sing Laison.
I had to find myself quarters with no income and equipment to defend myself. I knew enough of the dirty messes in Molden to know of some Corporations to blackmail for profit and increase my assets and income. Took me about 3 months to become a Mercenary fighting for the Minmatar Republic. Was contracted a couple of times to fight in battles as a sniper for Squad 2 in a battle in Tartaven against terrorist. I made a new life away from my homeland and found friends and allies. 8 months as a Mercenary changed me and i became something greater than before. Until the Amarr attacked our pilots in Minmatar territory. The surprise attack caused many of our ships to burn and explode. The attack wasn't expected at all, so the Government called in mercenaries to help get support against the Amarr assault. I wasn't needed considering i was a sniper. The entire District i was on cleared out as pilots and soldiers went to help their Minmatar brothers. I was alone and confronted by 2 men. They sat down with me at a table in the quarter's bar and showed me photos of myself in a Caldari suit. Blackmailing me to set an explosive in this bar and detonate it when the men came back. I told them no. Confused they began to get up and walk out until i said,
"For 30 million ISK I'll do it though" they agree.
When the transaction was complete I set a bomb in the lower levels and in the bar. I was ready to betray men for money just like i was always willing to do. I didn't care about them, besides these men were hooked up to clones for instant conscience. The men returned and we all sat down to tell stories of what happened and i simply stole a pilot's ship, left and detonated the bombs destroying the entire place. I heard no screams and kept telling myself, "It's fine".
I took the ship to Caldari territory and was caught by their forces after they boarded my "new" ship. Taken hostage and placed inside a prison i simple sat there waiting for the mice to eat me alive and clear my head. It wasn't until the near moments of my death through starvation that i remembered the faces of those i left. The ones at the bar i killed, my family who're dead by now, the members of my old Corporation who gave me deadly stares, and my captors who simply looked at me. I smiled and laughed, then just looked up at the cell's ceiling and told whatever god was up there that i wanted something better than the life of 666, but a lucky triple 7.
I woke up to grandmother calling me downstairs for breakfast with toast and a quick bagel with no jelly. Said good morning and ran out to the Summer streets and made plans for the beach. All of my friends waited for me to arrive with the alcohol and chips for a barbeque. My day in the sun got me a wicked tan and i went home. 2 hours after a well needed nap I just turned on my PS3 and my computer. Setting myself up for the mood of killing reds on the ground and mining for profit in the sky. I took 3 paths in one day... still no led me to where i wanted to go. |
Zyanic
BetaMax.
6
|
Posted - 2013.08.02 15:05:00 -
[2] - Quote
NOTICE: This is my first story... thanks to anyone reading. |
Wu-master
Stardust incorporation
14
|
Posted - 2013.08.03 02:54:00 -
[3] - Quote
Good story my dear friend Zyanic , short story are the best story . |
Echoist
Fenrir's Wolves
RUST415
53
|
Posted - 2013.08.04 12:00:00 -
[4] - Quote
I feel this mercenary has two contradicting sides, on one hand he has this family he cares for but on the other he's emotionless. Maybe instead of focusing on physical events happening around him you could have explored his mental stability as a soldier and a husband/ father figure. Also soldiers in the military create strong bonds of trust between each other over time so for him to iust betray them on a flip of a coin doesn't necessarily make that much sense even if they are "immortal". Beginning of the story was pretty good but as the story progressed I felt no connection with this character. Even though he was unstable mentally the reader should still have something to cling unto with the character. For example a character who is mentally unstable yet can relate on some lower level to the reader is the character of Dexter from the television show. Dexter has no feelings towards his victims, but when it comes to his his step-sister or lover he becomes almost human, and that's what can give the reader some hope that he can change as a person. Also even if your character is insane people of that nature always have a goal or mission in mind, soldiers always take orders from their superiors everyday maybe you could have played off of that. Lastly throughout the short storry you maintain this dark gritty atmosphere then suddenly and aggressively pull the reader out, which might have been fine if there were other twists and turns previously, but instead I felt as though you lost your track of mind or just simply didn't know how to tie up the story.
In the end if I had to score this story out of 10 I'd have given it a 5.5, lots of room for improvement although this story and character has a lot of potiential. My seem harsh to others but Zy knows me and I'm not one to hide my feelings for something nor soften up my point of view. Keep up the good work and don't let my review stop you from doing more stories but rather advice that can better strengthen future art work.
Your friend,
Echo, |
Zyanic
BetaMax.
14
|
Posted - 2013.08.04 14:59:00 -
[5] - Quote
"u hurt my feelings man..... imma quit" would be most people's response to such a blunt review, but i accept it with thanks. im still bringing up ideas to make a story where it's enjoyable nd something tht will just make Dust a little more amusing for me. thx for the review as also the rating. but still a 5.5 really? u couldnt let this one slide for a 6 or 7? |
Echoist
Fenrir's Wolves
RUST415
53
|
Posted - 2013.08.04 17:23:00 -
[6] - Quote
Zyanic wrote:"u hurt my feelings man..... imma quit" would be most people's response to such a blunt review, but i accept it with thanks. im still bringing up ideas to make a story where it's enjoyable nd something tht will just make Dust a little more amusing for me. thx for the review as also the rating. but still a 5.5 really? u couldnt let this one slide for a 6 or 7?
Alright yeah I'm pretty sure towards the end I was becoming a little too anal about this. Actually to be completely honest I was starting to even review my own review so maybe I just wanted to wrap things up quickly. Now looking back over it I'd give it a 6, might have been a 7, but that ending for really knocked it down for me. Endings are quite a challenge it's kinda like diving into the pool without making a big splash. Do-able but you gotta get through those cannon balls first.
P.S. you big baby... |
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