Echoist
Fenrir's Wolves
RUST415
53
   |
Posted - 2013.08.04 12:00:00 -
[1] - Quote
I feel this mercenary has two contradicting sides, on one hand he has this family he cares for but on the other he's emotionless. Maybe instead of focusing on physical events happening around him you could have explored his mental stability as a soldier and a husband/ father figure. Also soldiers in the military create strong bonds of trust between each other over time so for him to iust betray them on a flip of a coin doesn't necessarily make that much sense even if they are "immortal". Beginning of the story was pretty good but as the story progressed I felt no connection with this character. Even though he was unstable mentally the reader should still have something to cling unto with the character. For example a character who is mentally unstable yet can relate on some lower level to the reader is the character of Dexter from the television show. Dexter has no feelings towards his victims, but when it comes to his his step-sister or lover he becomes almost human, and that's what can give the reader some hope that he can change as a person. Also even if your character is insane people of that nature always have a goal or mission in mind, soldiers always take orders from their superiors everyday maybe you could have played off of that. Lastly throughout the short storry you maintain this dark gritty atmosphere then suddenly and aggressively pull the reader out, which might have been fine if there were other twists and turns previously, but instead I felt as though you lost your track of mind or just simply didn't know how to tie up the story.
In the end if I had to score this story out of 10 I'd have given it a 5.5, lots of room for improvement although this story and character has a lot of potiential. My seem harsh to others but Zy knows me and I'm not one to hide my feelings for something nor soften up my point of view. Keep up the good work and don't let my review stop you from doing more stories but rather advice that can better strengthen future art work.
Your friend,
Echo, |
Echoist
Fenrir's Wolves
RUST415
53
|
Posted - 2013.08.04 17:23:00 -
[2] - Quote
Zyanic wrote:"u hurt my feelings man..... imma quit" would be most people's response to such a blunt review, but i accept it with thanks. im still bringing up ideas to make a story where it's enjoyable nd something tht will just make Dust a little more amusing for me. thx for the review as also the rating. but still a 5.5 really? u couldnt let this one slide for a 6 or 7?
Alright yeah I'm pretty sure towards the end I was becoming a little too anal about this. Actually to be completely honest I was starting to even review my own review so maybe I just wanted to wrap things up quickly. Now looking back over it I'd give it a 6, might have been a 7, but that ending for really knocked it down for me. Endings are quite a challenge it's kinda like diving into the pool without making a big splash. Do-able but you gotta get through those cannon balls first.
P.S. you big baby... |