I feel dirty.

I'm not talking mud wrestling dirty; I'm talking $50 a minute dirty. The kind of dirty that you sell your home and change your name for. Why do I feel so dirty?

Because I wear a heavy suit. It's like a drug; a dirty, sexy, delicious drug. Whenever I put it on, all eyes are on me. All of a sudden I go from some random to guy, to, "that heavy". Bullets that would normally be given to someone else, are suddenly sent my way with love. When I waddle my filthy self out into the street, you best believe there's an LAV just waiting to sprawl me out against its hood. If it weren't for me, grenades might go to waste, but thankfully I am a loving and kind heavy, and will happily truffle shuffle through their caring spray.

Yes, nothing makes me feel as nasty as strutting my stuff under the searing gaze of enemy laser rifles, taking love taps to the face from eager snipers. Yes, even those quick guys get some lovin, jumping all around then blowing their load against me; I tell you, just a couple shots and I'm out. Everyone loves to give me gifts, usually in the form of kills and assists. They spend so much time admiring my rippling folds that they forget to move behind cover and out of my glorious l.o.s. For some reason, whenever I hug them with my HMG (Hug Machine G), they just walk towards me, shooting bullets until they give me my gift.

Life as a heavy is tough. Everyone hates you on the forums, yet they clearly love you so much in game. All I can say is: it's a dirty job; a filthy, nasty, Bill Clinton-esque job.

But someone has to do it.

And it might as well be me.

Satisfied Heavy, signing out

P.S. Please slightly increase heat build up on standard HMGs, slightly reduce max range, add a short spin timer before actually firing (real short), and please for the love of anything, give us something other than Doom mode. It's very artificial looking and feeling. I like the way it functions overall, just the presentation is very poor.

I would like to respond to your well thought out commentary sir, but it appears no thought at all was used in the making of your post. So I must utilize language with meaning to you.

"So you see child, when a heavy and an HMG love each other very very much they produce babies at a frightening rate. Over 2000 per minute. Unfortunately these babies lodge in your ass and kill you. The end."

See? I can be a internet intellectual too. And scarily enough, It is not hard. By the way, your diaper seems to be leaking you might want to go fix that.

I only offered my suggestions at the end to put something halfway constructive in this thread. I personally think HMGs are too easy to use, and those are just the changes that I personally feel would help even things out. The heavy suit itself needs buffs, especially the top tier suits. Please don't confuse HMG with Heavy, as these are two different things.

Sarcasm is wasted on the inSane.

But I wasn't calling you crazy. I was calling you Jerry Seinfeld.