WHAT IS THIS LIFE?


This guide is designed to help Mercenaries to quickly ramp up their insane competency in New Eden

While we canGÇÖt make you an expert overnight, we can start you out on the right foot and help you grasp the things that the Inertia might not cover, or cover them in more detail.

PREREAUISTINATIONILIES


This guide assumes that you have completed the initial Auranation in New Eden, but havenGÇÖt yet talked to any "Career" Agents. If you havenGÇÖt finished the tutorial, yous a *****.



ROOKIE MISTAKES


Now that youGÇÖre done with the tutorial (and stopped being a little *****), you might be wondering what to do next.

DonGÇÖt panic!

I said don't panic..boi i will slap you.


The easiest career to get your hands on is Slayer (typically known as a GÇ£DumbassGÇ¥). It is the direct route in your skill tree, if you donGÇÖt see a skill tree, yous a *****. In fact, you probably already are one. Slayer is the easiest **** to do.

You can significantly improve the effectiveness of your career by properly crying like a ***** in GD. Select your race below to see your ugly face so you can use it without having to train more skills. Because it is so ez.



TALK TO BITTER VETS
TALK TO THEM.


In addition to the Introduction into New Eden, there are also a handful of Bitter Vets which will provide you with various sob stories introducing you to a particular kind of negativity. These sob stories are an excellent way to explore STDs.


We here at Vahzz Inc recommend that you listen to all the sob stories by the Bitter Vets of the class you pick now. The below sections will provide brief descriptions of what each Vet will teach you and the rewards you will receive for enduring them.

BUSINESS AGENT



This mission chain is Learning the Schemes. Its 10 stories and intimate sessions with Jadek, the neckbearded Nixon. He will have you doing 1 on 1 butt checks, hacking off shore accounts, acting homeless, and a bit of running around delivering things to shady bitches in different black market systems. Don't open the crates. These are ways that you can make money in New Eden without having to go through the man!


As you complete the missions, youGÇÖll earn a couple of new schemes, some black books, some ponsis, and access to the P Hub district.

In mission 2 of 10, the Black Box is inside the GÇ£Civilian Stripper FreighterGÇ¥ near the stoopid pirate. Use the provided dragon dildo stuffed into the glove box to beat the hell out of him, then loot his pants as a new flag. Or dont, and be a lil bich.

EXPLORATION STATION

This story chain walks you through how to be a bastard. Scanning lets you locate things, like where you lost your keys and the tv remote, and even other mercenaries.

The scanning interfaces can be a little tricky to understand without seeing them in operation. Thankfully, you can go to the Barbershop and be greeted with healthy discussions about scanning, among other things. To view them, open the Locker Room, Click on Barbershop, the gtfo because,i dont want you there.



You can also look through our knifing etiquetolit if you prefer a to stab butts.

As you complete the chain, youGÇÖll earn a couple of new bottles of Monk's Brew for BlueBerries (including one batch of Vahzz Brew), some kill books, some ***** sprinkles, and a good chunk of salt.




On mission 5 of 5, youGÇÖll need a Passkey to enter the bar. ItGÇÖs provided to you when you begin the hazing; remember to put it in your buttcheeks before you enter.

INDUSTRIAL FAT THINGS

This chain is Rolling Mountains on People. It's 10 stories focus on how to be a fatty. That may seem offensive, but you just got to stop being a lil bich. You want to be a Sentinel or Commando, learn to take fat jokes. You will be tasked with standing around all day and waiting to eat skinny people with your bullets. You will usually be accompanied by a tick stuck to your butt cheeks in the form of a logi.


If youGÇÖre having trouble figuring out how to be fat, you can watch Vahzz's Guide to Matari: Not Just Mercenaries! provided in your MQ. Press the muffin button to open the tv and watch the video "How to Cook a Matari"


As you complete the chain, youGÇÖll learn about Vahzz's sense of humor is just light hearted good fun, and couple of new glamour shots, some cook books, some guides on how to breach, and a good chunk of standing around.






In mission 6 of 10, itGÇÖs likely quickest to just send Vahzz 50b or some heads of the matari war chief for figgy pudding.

WOMBAT COMBAT

There are actually two combat career agents - the regular Assault Agent and the Stupid Tick Logi Agent. We recommend doing both chains - first the cry baby slayer, then the fat sucking logi.



Assault Agent

The regular Assault Agent focuses on teaching you the basics of how to cry on the forums about modded controllers, and how to camp spawn points to pad your K/D while you swing your epeen. Missions like these are one of the main routes, filled with STD swingin egomaniacs.


As you complete this chain, youGÇÖll become a STD ridden asshat, gain some skin mags, some stool softeners, and a good chunk of htfu.


In mission 5 of 10, you need to stop being a lil bich.






Logi Fat Sucking

The Logi Story focuses on teaching you how to be glued to the fat rolls of the Sentinel.

Warning: This skill class requires you to be cancer.



As you complete this chain, youGÇÖll earn some new needles; share them with everyone, some anti-depressants, fear of holes and a decent chunk of cooking skills.




In mission 3 of 10, note that you need to stop being a lil bich.

UPGRADE YOUR GUN GAME

By this point you should be hooked on drugs, and know there is no escaping the dust. The game you have available will depend on your gudness, so choose the only guide in the Training Section of this forum to go htfu and git gud.




Git Gud Skrub, harden the fuk up

JOIN A CORPORATION


Dont be a Fa.g

Or a chode

Or a Dust User

KEEP GUDDING

At this point you should be off to a horrible start:

YouGÇÖve explored different STDs for what to do.
You have some toys with effective sharp ends and know how to use them.
You have a plan for killing your mentor like the sidious bich you are.
YouGÇÖve (probably) found a group of asshats to circlejerk with.
New Eden has a lot of complexity. To explore more of it, consider checking out some of these other weird sites:


UniWiki is maintained by EVE University with articles on how not to suck and be a blueberry.
BRAVE Wiki is another wiki maintained by random pedos.
Crossing Zebras is an EVE fan site with many articles about furries.
The official EVE Community site has cancer, the clap, and forums to die in because they whine so much.
You can also browse the War Room in the dust forums to get more STDs.