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John Genericname
GamersForChrist
67
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Posted - 2015.01.26 21:57:00 -
[1] - Quote
20:30 Universal Time. Syndicate Controlled Space.
GÇ£Sir! 50 kilometers to the titan!GÇ¥ exclaimed the pilot, GÇ£Deploying warp jammer now!GÇ¥ Two modified shuttles flew at Syndicates stolen titan at full power, achieving a very high approach speed. John's shuttle's spear-like hull pierced straight through the armor of the titan; same with the shuttle headed for the engines. The crew of the titan had no idea anything was even awry, until the piercing sound of the depressurization alarm. The sub-systems of the ship took care of the breach.
The bridge team cleared their way through hallway after hallway. GÇ£These titans look a lot smaller from a distance.GÇ¥ remarked one of the mercs in the group. Most of the team nodded in agreement. After a while it felt like they had been walking through what seemed to be an eternal supply of doors and passages.
The team heard voices up ahead; two pirates talking. Guristas pirates, the worst of the worst.
John called two of his scouts up. GÇ£You know how to take care of these guysGÇ¥ he said. The two scouts nodded in acknowledgement and turned toward the pirates. The scouts simultaneously activated their cloaking devices, disappearing in to thin air, it would seem. Not even their team could see the scouts, at least until they de-cloaked behind the pirates and drove their plasma-edged nova knives into the base of both of the their skulls. Their bodies never even hit the ground before the scouts dragged the corpses out of the way, as silently as they had killed them. Five seconds it took, and not a single sound was made.
The scouts fell back into formation as the team moved up past the doorway the pirates were guarding. The bridge wasn't far, just one more room. Seemed simple enough if it weren't for the hoard of pirates guarding the bridge in this area.
"Well, crap." John muttered under his breath. "Hold up!" he ordered motioning his fist, "The engine team should have made contact by now; just give them a couple seconds.
The enemy comms lit up with commotion and requests for backup; the engine team had made it to their objective. A quarter of the guards filed out in a hurry, a quarter less men to fight.
The doors closed behind the responders. GÇ£Pick a targetGÇ¥ John said over the comms. There were certainly plenty to choose from. This definitely was going to get very loud and very bloody.
The order was given.
Triggers were pulled; lead, plasma, rail gun slugs, and focused light flew through the air; brass covered the floor, the barrels of the guns glowed a bright red, the electrical field of the rail guns were so intense you could smell them; bodies dropped to the floor, the ground was soaked in crimson. It all seemed to happen in slow motion.
The team watched as John walked through the mess of pirates, seemingly unfazed by the slaughter; which would be the best way to describe it.
John stopped and stood still in the middle of the room, frozen. He stared straight into the face of one of the dead pirates; something hit a chord in his head. He scanned the corpse. Just as he'd suspected, these weren't mercs or clones, just normal, mortal pirates; gone forever. Something about this made him freeze up. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't talk, he couldn't see through the fog; he was trapped inside his head.
He saw a blur of a hand coming toward him out of the corner of his eye. He grabbed the wrist of whoever it was, kicked out the "attacker's" legs, and planted him firmly on the ground with his hand wrapped around his throat. The attacker was clawing at John's arm. Not even the solid facemask of the assault dropsuit could hide the look of shear terror and panic. John heard muffled screams over the team comms, his senses slowly coming back. He realized he was strangling his own teammate. He released his grip, the teammate threw John off of him.
John laid on the ground, holding his head "What just happened?" he said over and over in his head. "I have a mission to complete." he finally told himself, and sat up.
He saw his teammate standing around him with their weapon ready and pointed at him. They didn't know whether to shoot him or help him.
John stood, looking around at his team. "We have a mission to do. Don't we?"
They stood down and proceeded with the mission, keeping one eye on John, John keeping one eye on them.
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John Genericname
GamersForChrist
67
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Posted - 2015.01.26 21:58:00 -
[2] - Quote
The breaching team placed a charge on the door.
They were set, all that was left was for them to take the bridge, and their part would be done.
Two of the teams logistics operators took out their active scannersl, revealing the hostiles in the bridge.
The teams head up displays lit up with orange chevrons, six heavy frames with heavy machine guns.
GÇ£Alright guys, we have six heavies and twelve of us,GÇ¥ John barked out. GÇ£The second we blow this door we throw a static grenade and take out the heavies while their huds are down.GÇ¥
The team stacked up against the door. John checked his breathing, inhaling and exhaling, checking his head, readying himself. GÇ£Three, Two, One, BREACH!GÇ¥
The charges went off, blowing the bridge door in. One of the men threw a static grenade into the room. The it went off, temporarily frying the heads up displays in all the hostiles heavy frames.
JohnGÇÖs twelve man team poured through door into the bridge, dropping the heavies, one after another. The captain stood up from behind a control console and drew a scrambler pistol, and shot one of John's teammates in the shoulder, punching straight through his shield and burning the skin under his armor.
The team found cover behind doors and consoles. The pirate captain wasn't going to just give up.
John counted the captain's shots; four, five, six, click. Empty. John broke out of cover and ran for the captain. He hurdled over the the control console the captain was using for cover, kicking the him to the ground. John raised his rifle to the captain's head and froze; it was happening again.
The captain used this pause to finish reloading his pistol and and proceed to point it at John's head.
One of the scouts saw this unfolding and ran for the captain. He kicked the pistol from the captain's grasp, and shot him in the head with his rifle. The scrambler pistol went off and missed not one inch left of John's head.
John and the scout locked gazes. John knew he and the rest of the team wanted to know what was going on with him, and the scout could tell John didn't know himself.
John heard the second team report back to him, GÇ£This is team two, we have secured the engine, awaiting further instructions.GÇ¥ GÇ£Roger team two,GÇ¥ John replied, pulling it back together, GÇ£sweep for tracking devices and report to the bridge when youGÇÖre finished.GÇ¥
GÇ£John,GÇ¥ one of the mercs yelled out, GÇ£weGÇÖve got a call coming in from Syndicate, theyGÇÖre sending someone to pick up the titan, eta ten minutes.GÇ¥
John thought over his options; option 1, get control of the stolen titan and give it back to syndicate and receive 3 billion isk; or option 2 which could be risky, but much more lucrative. GÇ£Alright everyone, get prepped. The secondary plan has gone into effect.GÇ¥ John ordered.
GÇ£Sir,GÇ¥ one of the mercs called out, GÇ£the the transfer pilot from Syndicate is here, requesting permission to board.GÇ¥
GÇ£Permission granted.GÇ¥ John said as he stood at the bridge controlls, arms crossed.
John walked down to the docking bay with all twenty four mercs on his team to meet the transfer pilot and his protection detail from Syndicate.
GÇ£John,GÇ¥ the pilot said stepping into the titan, GÇ£You and your team certainly do not disappoint. Hand over the key card.GÇ¥
GÇ£Payment first.GÇ¥ John snapped back.
GÇ£Ok, fine,GÇ¥ the pilot responded, GÇ£three billion ISK transferred to your corporate account. Now, the keys.GÇ¥
John reached to his back and pulled his bolt pistol. GÇ£Change of plans.GÇ¥ John remarked just before he pulled the trigger, signaling the other twenty four mercs to fill the room with lead.
John smirked under his mask, "Dump 'em." He said to his team.
John turned to his men, "Check the manifest for valuables. We're selling this thing and everything on it."
John left his team and headed for the captainGÇÖs quarters. Something was wrong; something felt off, but he didnGÇÖt know what. He made it to the captainGÇÖs quarters and sat down on the couch
John's head was burning despite the cooling systems in the helmet. He took of his helmet and sat it beside him. He stroked his hands through his short hair airing it out.
John pulled up his neocom and checked the mercenary alerts page. The front page had all 24 members of John's team with a multi-billion ISK bounty on each of their heads. John pulled up his own wanted picture; twelve billion ISK, dead. He could buy and staff two titans for that much.
John called his man inside Syndicate on his video card.
"John? John, is that you?" he answered in a frantic, terrified voice, "I don't know what you did, but something is seriously wrong here."
The call was suddenly inturrupted by the sound of near-by gunfire. John's contact left the frame briefly and came back in a panic.
"John! The security team is going cubicle to cubicle, killing everyone on this floor! They're going to be coming for you John! They're coming for you!"
A rail gun slug ripped through John's contact and shattered his video card.
To be continued
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John Genericname
GamersForChrist
67
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Posted - 2015.01.28 03:10:00 -
[3] - Quote
I realized the original part 2 was of lack-luster quality so I made this revision to prepare for part 3, which would have been a drastic leap in quality, not to mention I wanted to fix my mistakes. So here you go, a much better part 2...
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John Genericname
GamersForChrist
67
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Posted - 2015.01.30 16:40:00 -
[4] - Quote
Feedback and criticism is much appreciated. It's hard to improve when you don't know what is and isn't any good.
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John Genericname
GamersForChrist
67
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Posted - 2015.02.20 17:17:00 -
[5] - Quote
Is this something you guys are enjoying? Are you anticipating the next installment? Feedback guys... It's important to a writer like myself!
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John Genericname
GamersForChrist
67
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Posted - 2015.03.02 12:52:00 -
[6] - Quote
Does anyone have any constructive criticism? Point out what I might be doing wrong.
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John Genericname
GamersForChrist
67
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Posted - 2015.03.11 00:41:00 -
[7] - Quote
nearly 2,000 views... cm'on guys, criticism, help me make this even better...
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True Adamance
Praetoriani Classiarii Templares
Praetoria Imperialis Excubitoris
17566
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Posted - 2015.03.11 01:22:00 -
[8] - Quote
John Genericname wrote:nearly 2,000 views... cm'on guys, criticism, help me make this even better...
Criticism?
Frankly I feel it is outrageous and beyond the scope of my ability to suspend my disbelief..... I also understand people love the idea of stealing or taking down a titan but the whole concept is very tacky IMO...... given the nature of what a titan is and how many people crew one....... even attempting to snag one which is almost always located within a POS would not be easy by any means.
More to the point I see no significant development in the process of your guys taking the bridge..... it all seems way too easy for you since your characters are already elite fighting enemies you make out to be little more than worthless. Your characters achievement only seem more impressive when the actions they undertake are difficult and they struggle to achieve it, by doing that you create a natural suspense that stems from your audiences own desire to read through the plot and find out what happened rather than artificial suspense your attempt to create through specific language techniques.....which I suppose can serve your purposes if used tastefully.
Personally as a reader I'd like to see your focus of future pieces centre around John. Who he is, what he is doing bothering to steal a titan, for who, what are the consequences for him, what does he think about the titan, his squad, what does he smell, see, feel. As well I'd like to see John and his team struggle, not continue to breeze through the scenario as a hyper elite team of super space bro's, perhaps members of your team die in the process and you have to wait on them to redeploy, perhaps one is kidnapped and held to ransom, perhaps your employer is a douche and double crosses you, perhaps that 3 billion ISK has been marked by another entity because it was embezzled and now they are onto your operation.
Additionally if you do take a more John centric approach to the next piece consider that when you do how you create and display your character is really important. Witty smartarse's are tough to write and tougher to get across to your audience and while they may appeal to your sense of humour they won't to others as easily, that being said don't compromise who John is to you in order to please an audience just flesh him our and allow us to get to know him.
In summary I like the piece and I say none of these things to discourage you from continuing. As a writer you should always try to take your craft to a higher level, make your words flow better, and your characters more intersting.
Suggestions to focus on
- Scale : Keep your actions relative to what people can imagine. Large operations are impressive when you can imagine them but are typically lack lustre when portrayed without description.
- Suspense : You need to create suspense for your character so that we the audience can attach ourselves to them and really become a part of the plot. A story where John easily overcomes all of his trials is a boring one, a story where John struggles physically, emotionally, and morally is a story which is interesting.
- Descriptive Language : Your world building could use a bit of work in my opinion. It's a bit focused on the action, and as such the pacing feels a little off. One action blends into the next interspersed by dialogue with no time to describe the setting or what is happening around or to John.
- Character : I don't know about others but I feel John doesn't have a character yet I can see some attempts from you to internalise the situation. Perhaps you intended for him to be guilty but the language doesn't tell me that. Moreover from the way to portray him he strikes me as a combination or serious and competent leader, double crosser, yet someone who treats this all like a joke....a snarky witticism wrapped in a taco. If I were to offer advice it would be to suggest that in a universe like New Eden your character doesn't have to be nor should be likeable....and I personally find myself not liking John because that is exactly what he is. Don't be afraid to explore the darker side of character creation for John who can be a complete psycho who just hides it really well and his people love him for it.
Good luck and I look forwards to reading.
"This is the Usumgal boy, the exalted dragon, wreathed in the fires of heaven. He is a true symbol of God's majesty."
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John Genericname
GamersForChrist
67
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Posted - 2015.03.26 12:59:00 -
[9] - Quote
Woah! I go away for a bit and we're at 2,500 views! Thanks guys.
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John Genericname
GamersForChrist
67
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Posted - 2015.05.04 03:05:00 -
[10] - Quote
3,000 views? Nice! Thanks guys :)
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John Genericname
GamersForChrist
70
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Posted - 2015.05.19 02:48:00 -
[11] - Quote
3,500 views... dang guys, that's pretty awesome.
...But I regret the fact that part one has been locked. probably one of the best pieces I've written, and by far my most popular. It will always be remembered, (mainly because all future fanfics will have a list of the previous parts).
And yes! You heard right, the next fanfics! Don't worry, I haven't forgotten about the series, but I have been busy with real life and stuff.
Enough gibber jabber, I will be beginning work on part 3, most likely soon this week... It will pick up directly where it left off...
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John Genericname
GamersForChrist
70
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Posted - 2015.06.29 20:05:00 -
[12] - Quote
So to those who are worried as to whether or not i died- 1: you guys wondered if i died? and 2: no, I'm not dead, just distracted... so yeah, sorry about that.
To make up for the lost time, I'll give you guys some hints as to where the story is going-
The Syndicate corporation is not exactly happy with John, and they will go to great lengths to make his life a living *kitten* (< old forum jokes lol)
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John Genericname
GamersForChrist
70
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Posted - 2015.07.18 02:04:00 -
[13] - Quote
Hey guys, so, I'm going through/ have gone through a rather tough break up, and, well, feel pretty crappy. No, I'm not asking for sympathy or a pity-party ('cause heavens knows internet people are the last person to ask XD.) Just understand the pause between parts. And for those hoping for a more dark and not so up-beat story, you're in luck, because a grittier story will probably be easier to write now.
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