True Adamance
Praetoriani Classiarii Templares
Praetoria Imperialis Excubitoris
17566
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Posted - 2015.03.11 01:22:00 -
[1] - Quote
John Genericname wrote:nearly 2,000 views... cm'on guys, criticism, help me make this even better...
Criticism?
Frankly I feel it is outrageous and beyond the scope of my ability to suspend my disbelief..... I also understand people love the idea of stealing or taking down a titan but the whole concept is very tacky IMO...... given the nature of what a titan is and how many people crew one....... even attempting to snag one which is almost always located within a POS would not be easy by any means.
More to the point I see no significant development in the process of your guys taking the bridge..... it all seems way too easy for you since your characters are already elite fighting enemies you make out to be little more than worthless. Your characters achievement only seem more impressive when the actions they undertake are difficult and they struggle to achieve it, by doing that you create a natural suspense that stems from your audiences own desire to read through the plot and find out what happened rather than artificial suspense your attempt to create through specific language techniques.....which I suppose can serve your purposes if used tastefully.
Personally as a reader I'd like to see your focus of future pieces centre around John. Who he is, what he is doing bothering to steal a titan, for who, what are the consequences for him, what does he think about the titan, his squad, what does he smell, see, feel. As well I'd like to see John and his team struggle, not continue to breeze through the scenario as a hyper elite team of super space bro's, perhaps members of your team die in the process and you have to wait on them to redeploy, perhaps one is kidnapped and held to ransom, perhaps your employer is a douche and double crosses you, perhaps that 3 billion ISK has been marked by another entity because it was embezzled and now they are onto your operation.
Additionally if you do take a more John centric approach to the next piece consider that when you do how you create and display your character is really important. Witty smartarse's are tough to write and tougher to get across to your audience and while they may appeal to your sense of humour they won't to others as easily, that being said don't compromise who John is to you in order to please an audience just flesh him our and allow us to get to know him.
In summary I like the piece and I say none of these things to discourage you from continuing. As a writer you should always try to take your craft to a higher level, make your words flow better, and your characters more intersting.
Suggestions to focus on
- Scale : Keep your actions relative to what people can imagine. Large operations are impressive when you can imagine them but are typically lack lustre when portrayed without description.
- Suspense : You need to create suspense for your character so that we the audience can attach ourselves to them and really become a part of the plot. A story where John easily overcomes all of his trials is a boring one, a story where John struggles physically, emotionally, and morally is a story which is interesting.
- Descriptive Language : Your world building could use a bit of work in my opinion. It's a bit focused on the action, and as such the pacing feels a little off. One action blends into the next interspersed by dialogue with no time to describe the setting or what is happening around or to John.
- Character : I don't know about others but I feel John doesn't have a character yet I can see some attempts from you to internalise the situation. Perhaps you intended for him to be guilty but the language doesn't tell me that. Moreover from the way to portray him he strikes me as a combination or serious and competent leader, double crosser, yet someone who treats this all like a joke....a snarky witticism wrapped in a taco. If I were to offer advice it would be to suggest that in a universe like New Eden your character doesn't have to be nor should be likeable....and I personally find myself not liking John because that is exactly what he is. Don't be afraid to explore the darker side of character creation for John who can be a complete psycho who just hides it really well and his people love him for it.
Good luck and I look forwards to reading.
"This is the Usumgal boy, the exalted dragon, wreathed in the fires of heaven. He is a true symbol of God's majesty."
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