| Pages: [1] :: one page |
|
|
| Author |
Thread Statistics | Show CCP posts - 0 post(s) |
Dagger-Two
Gespenster Kompanie
203
   |
Posted - 2014.01.17 02:15:00 -
[1] - Quote
Just looking for a bit of feedback. My writing isn't the greatest (I was never all that good with words on paper, more of a verbal storyteller), but I always appreciate feedback.
Not entirely DUST related, but within New Eden.
________________________________________________________________________________________________
Among the darkened corridors of the small asteroid colony, two figures darted between unsealed doors. Their motions were precise, manoeuvring around one another so as to maximize the efficiency of their search. With the main power offline, the only light came from emergency beacons and tiny glowing floor panels leading the way to emergency airlocks, both of which flashed a deep orange.
Both wore nearly identical full-body armoured suits, with one slightly smaller than the other, and having noticeable feminine curves to it. Weapons and ammunition could be easily seen secured to each suit.
The female figure broke from their search pattern and moved to a nearby console. Pressing her metal-clad arm to it, the console lit up, screen flickering noticeably.
GÇ£Any luck finding them?GÇ¥ the other armoured figure asked over the radio.
GÇ£TheyGÇÖre still here, but I canGÇÖt pinpoint themGÇ¥ she replied. GÇ£The internal sensors are going haywire, so thereGÇÖs no way to know exactly where they could be hidingGÇ¥. As she removed her arm, the console lights faded. GÇ£The damn virus is scrambling every system. I canGÇÖt try to reverse any damage without letting them know weGÇÖre here, and itGÇÖs getting more and more difficult to quietly access the system, even for meGÇ¥.
GÇ£SoGÇ¥ the man started, and then paused, GÇ£we keep moving and try to find them the old fashioned wayGÇ¥.
GÇ£The most secure places on this heap are the silos and the refinery hub, both of which are nearby. We shouldGǪGÇ¥the radio went silent as a strange noise echoed down a corridor behind them. The two figures quickly took up positions on either side of the T-shaped junction. The woman removed a pistol from a holster on her leg, while the man pulled a rifle off his back. Rather than shoulder the weapon, however, he quickly detached a device from it, activated it, and placed it at the corner of the hallway. As the weapon camera began transmitting a live feed to the manGÇÖs HUD, he set the rifle aside and made a gesture with his left hand. From underneath the armoured gauntlet, a long blade sprang forth, extending past his fingers.
GÇ£Quietly, if we have toGÇ¥ he whispered over the radio. If the approaching threats were killed, their comrades would know immediately. "Silence might buy us some time, though" the man muttered to himself. Fixated on the live feed, he tensed with anticipation as he made out several figures moving down the corridor towards them. Up until now, they had managed to avoid direct confrontation, but that seemed likely to change. As the seconds painfully ticked away, they became clearly visible; two in front and one in back, moving slowly but deliberately. Their heads were in constant motion as they scanned the area for signs of life, the fiery light of the beacons glinting off of metal-covered bodies.
As the trio of True Slaves closed in, the woman adjusted her rail pistol and the man cocked his arm back for a punch.
Half a meter from the intersection, one of the slaves noticed the small object on the ground and leaned forward to
examine it, muttering something to the others in a language that seemed only half human. Too late it saw a black armoured boot spin around the corner.
The man ducked low and aimed his fist at the center of the things face. As the blade came into contact with bone and metal, it began to rapidly oscillate, while a sensor worked to adjust the hypersonic vibrations to cause localized resonance at its edge. It slid in effortlessly, passing through the SlaveGÇÖs jaw and brainstem. With a wild jerking motion, the man pulled upwards, lifting the Slave off its feet and severing its spinal cord.
There was no surprise shown amongst the other Slaves, who immediately turned to attack. Raising their arms, they took aim with built-in plasma weapons.
The woman acted on cue, coming around the corner and levelling the pistol at the head of the nearest Slave. The weapon made four muted coughs as it fired armour-piercing flechettes into its skull. Even at sub-sonic velocities, the hardened steel darts pierced bone and the second Slave crumpled.
The third Slave fired at the man, unfazed by the death of his comrades. Shields flickered into existence as the superheated plasma flared over them. It fired twice more as the man leaped forward, wrenching its arm downward with his free hand. The Slave screeched as the blade plunged into its chest, then was torn out only to be thrust up through its neck. The cybernetic horror twitched a few more times, then went limp.
GÇ£So much for being quietGÇ¥ the man mused, hastily picking up the camera and reattaching it to his rail carbine.
Playing since 1st batch of closed beta keys.
|
True Adamance
Kameira Lodge
Amarr Empire
5819
|
Posted - 2014.01.17 02:41:00 -
[2] - Quote
Very well written. I like the dialogue. Its operational, clinical, but human in perhaps I way that soldier really can be.
Apart from the odd clunky bit of wording here and there its a very immersive, descriptive, and composed story. One that I like very much and want to read more about.
"My Faith in you is absolute; my sword is Yours, My God, and Your will guides me now and for all eternity."
|
Dagger-Two
Gespenster Kompanie
204
|
Posted - 2014.01.17 02:46:00 -
[3] - Quote
True Adamance wrote:Very well written. I like the dialogue. Its operational, clinical, but human in perhaps I way that soldier really can be.
Apart from the odd clunky bit of wording here and there its a very immersive, descriptive, and composed story. One that I like very much and want to read more about.
My language is definitely clunky. That is a very good way of putting it, and definitely my biggest weakness in writing.
Playing since 1st batch of closed beta keys.
|
True Adamance
Kameira Lodge
Amarr Empire
5819
|
Posted - 2014.01.17 02:51:00 -
[4] - Quote
Dagger-Two wrote:True Adamance wrote:Very well written. I like the dialogue. Its operational, clinical, but human in perhaps I way that soldier really can be.
Apart from the odd clunky bit of wording here and there its a very immersive, descriptive, and composed story. One that I like very much and want to read more about. My language is definitely clunky. That is a very good way of putting it, and definitely my biggest weakness in writing.
Its something that I find every writer faces. I don't know if I every got over it, but I like my writing to have a certain flowing feel to it. You can make use of any language feature but if overall the language and composition of the narrative flows, and there was good flow in the action sequences, the story as a whole becomes a joy to read.
"My Faith in you is absolute; my sword is Yours, My God, and Your will guides me now and for all eternity."
|
Dagger-Two
Gespenster Kompanie
205
|
Posted - 2014.01.17 03:04:00 -
[5] - Quote
Always nice to see words of encouragement from you, haha. I'll finish this soon, barring any laziness on my part. Everything's in my head already, just need to put it on...digital paper, i guess.
Playing since 1st batch of closed beta keys.
|
True Adamance
Kameira Lodge
Amarr Empire
5822
|
Posted - 2014.01.17 03:11:00 -
[6] - Quote
Dagger-Two wrote:Always nice to see words of encouragement from you, haha. I'll finish this soon, barring any laziness on my part. Everything's in my head already, just need to put it on...digital paper, i guess.
Yeah.........I reckon I have 12 full forum posts of lore, and that's just me speaking in 3rd person matter of factly...... too much lore not, enough sleep time makes Kador a dull boy.
"My Faith in you is absolute; my sword is Yours, My God, and Your will guides me now and for all eternity."
|
Dagger-Two
Gespenster Kompanie
205
|
Posted - 2014.01.17 04:20:00 -
[7] - Quote
To be honest, I'd like to share a chapter from a different story, this one written as a sort of biography of my Capsuleer. I just wish the forums had PM capabilities, since it doesn't belong here.
Edit: Eh, I'll just post it anyways.
Note that this was very VERY early on in his capsuleer career (a few weeks)
________________________________________________________________________________________________
Chapter. 5
My apprehension about working with a crew soon disappeared as I began to take the Arabelle out on more missions. Although I could GÇÿfeelGÇÖ them working within the ship, they did not factor into my control, and soon I found myself at times forgetting they were there at all.
I did, however, make an effort to get to know them, and to keep them well-off and safe. I would visit them regularly in the docking areas before missions; sometimes to brief them, sometimes to get their input. The discourse always felt strained, however, and neither I nor any crewman seemed to be able to cut through the tension that surrounded these meetings, making for awkward conversation and averted gazes.
It was after the fifth or sixth such meeting that I was approached by a crew member while I sat on an ammunition crate, comparing regional prices for various ship components on a data pad. I didnGÇÖt even realize she was there until she was barely two feet away and casting a shadow over me.
GÇ£TheyGÇÖre afraid of you, you know?GÇ¥ she said quietly.
Her words shocked me, not so much because of what she said, but how she said it. There was no nervous waver in her voice, no fumbling over words, and no half-hearted GÇÿsirGÇÖ at the end of it all, just a quiet factuality.
Looking up I saw a lovely young woman, barely in her early twenties, wearing a pair of dirty overalls and a soft smile, her facial features betraying her True-Amarrian ancestry. I stared at her for a moment, not knowing what to make of the situation, and she took a step back as I saw her smile fade and the familiar look of anxiety appear. GÇ£IGÇÖmGǪIGÇÖm sorry sir,GÇ¥ she stammered, GÇ£that was out of line. IGÇÖllGǪGÇ¥
GÇ£No, ItGÇÖs fineGÇ¥ I interrupted, shocked at her courage. She seemed poised to take another step back, but stopped. GÇ£WhatGÇÖs your name?GÇ¥
GÇ£Angelyne, sirGÇ¥ she stated, straightening her posture.
GÇ£Well, at ease Angelyne,GÇ¥ I said with a chuckle, GÇ£last time I checked we werenGÇÖt in the navy, so you can go ahead and cut out the GÇÿyes sir, no sirGÇÖ nonsense. It makes me feel like an old man anywaysGÇ¥. With that she seemed to relax a bit, the smile returning to her lips. GÇ£IGÇÖm Xavier, but thatGÇÖs just between you and meGÇ¥. I smiled back at her, happy that the tension seemed to be gone. GÇ£I know our reputation.GÇ¥ I said gravely. GÇ£I canGÇÖt imagine IGÇÖd be comfortable working for someone who might have killed hundreds of innocent people.GÇ¥
GÇ£ThatGÇÖs only part of itGÇ¥ she replied, taking a step closer. GÇ£Most people know that being on a capsuleer ship is a death sentenceGÇ¥. Her words had a certain undeniable gravity to them.
GÇ£I donGÇÖt intend to lose this shipGÇ¥ I replied smugly.
GǣOf course not, but you will. You all doGǪone way or anotherGǥ, her words were stern, but she managed to keep a gentle smile on her lips, Gǣand when you do, your decisions will determine whether these people live or dieGǥ.
The weight of her words made my mind go blank, and I donGÇÖt know how long I stood there in silence, staring at her until she broke eye contact, and went to resume her duties.
That night, my dreams were haunted by visions of eviscerated starships, and bodies sucked out into cold space. Eventually I gave up on sleep, and spent the rest of the night gazing out the window at the ships docking with and undocking from the station. As I stared at the nearby moon, and the blackness beyond it, I focused on the heroic vision of myself I had imagined, a vision I could not help but feel was dulled by AngelyneGÇÖs warning.
One cruiser-class vessel soon became several, as large sums of ISK began to flow into my accounts on a daily basis. Before long I had joined a capsuleer-run corporation called Advanced Ganymede Core Technologies. While the corporation itself was rooted in the industrial sector, they were always recruiting pilots who could manage combat and patrol duties as well. In a short time I was inducted into their ranks as a full-fledged member and trusted partner in their corporate ambitions, which, while I appreciated and was glad to assist with, never meant much to me apart from allies and a steady stream of work. Even the bonds I formed with my corpmates felt mostly superficial, and I made little effort to truly befriend any of them. I tried to spend as much time as I could outside of my capsule, even though much of it was spent alone.
Still, I made more efforts to speak to my crew in hopes of befriending more of them, or at least breaking some of the awful tension between us. These efforts turn out to be at least somewhat productive, and I could feel some easing of tensions over the next few weeks. It was only with Angelyne, however, that a real bond began to form. We began talking more and more frequently, often about capsuleers, but sometimes about our favourite holofilms, or where we grew up.
I learned that she and her sister had left the empire several years ago, desperate to escape their birthplace and leave behind their heritage. Their parents were well-off individuals, and by Angelynes admission, kind and generous people. They, like many Amarrians however, practiced slavery. As Angelyne grew, she did not accept the teachings of Amarrian superiority and of slavery as a path to righteousness. She began to question the accepted interpretation of scripture, which got her in trouble several times. Her sister, on the other hand, lost her faith all together, and decided that she would rather leave her home and family than pretend to worship a non-existent, antiquated myth.
Playing since 1st batch of closed beta keys.
|
Dagger-Two
Gespenster Kompanie
214
|
Posted - 2014.01.28 05:46:00 -
[8] - Quote
Editied OP to add extra little bit at the end. Wrote a little bit more tonight.
Weapon discharges and the flickering of shields illuminated the darkened corridor as the pair dashed toward a guarded intersection, returning fire as they ran. Their shots were well placed, and two more Slaves crumpled.
Turning the corner, the woman slowed to put in a fresh magazine. As she reached for one on her belt, another Slave turned a corner not twenty feet away and let loose with a salvo of plasma rounds. Her HUD blinked red as the suits shields flashed vibrantly, nearing depletion. Several of the bolts penetrated through and splashed on black armour plates, leaving red hot scars.
As she struggled to retain composure and get her weapon loaded, a burst of railgun fire from behind her tore into the slave, splattering the floor behind it with gore and shards of metal. The man emptied the remainder of the magazine into the Slave before proceeding to slap in a new one.
GÇ£This is bad,GÇ¥ the woman spoke between heavy breaths, GÇ£theyGÇÖre around almost every cornerGÇ¥. She pressed the new mag into the weapon and raised it, covering the hallway in front of them.
GÇ£WeGÇÖre almost there. Come on, letsGǪGÇ¥
GÇ£No, it wonGÇÖt work.GÇ¥ She cut him off. GÇ£Without a distraction we'll get swarmed; weGÇÖll never get them outGÇ¥
GÇ£WeGÇÖre wasting time arguing here, Luna. We have to keep moving.GÇ¥
GÇ£Then moveGÇ¥ she barked over the radio, and took off down the hallway the Slave had appeared from, firing several rounds from her rifle.
GÇ£Goddammit Luna!GÇ¥ he shouted, running several steps after her.
GÇ£IGÇÖll get them away from the silos and meet you at the loading baysGÇ¥ she shouted over the comms. More gunfire echoed down the hallway. JustGǪ*ah, dammit*GǪjust trust me!GÇ¥
GÇ£You damn well better meet me there!GÇ¥ he threatened back, and took off down his virtually marked path.
Playing since 1st batch of closed beta keys.
|
Dagger-Two
Gespenster Kompanie
215
|
Posted - 2014.01.29 05:45:00 -
[9] - Quote
Pt. 3 (might need some serious tweaks, but I'm tired)
It was difficult to focus on stealth with his companion putting herself at such risk, but the man somehow managed to make his way to the refinery section of the colony without alerting any nearby slaves. For the moment, he was alone.
The refinery itself was fairly large, and had the straightforward layout O.R.E. designs were known for; ore processing, mineral extraction, storage silos, and waste disposal sections neatly organized in a square pattern, all accessible through a central hub. Of the four, the storage compartment was by far the largest and most secure.
The lighting here was better, with several white lights shining alongside the fiery emergency beacons. Clusters of dark stains marred the otherwise well maintained floors, and pockmarks from weapon discharges could be seen on the floors and walls, as well as along adjacent corridors. Station personnel had made a stand here and fell, their bodies taken to be biomassed and fed to the Sansha machine.
Crossing the open deck of the hub, the man made straight for the storage section doors, slowing and raising his rail carbine when he saw they were unsealed.
GÇ£Not goodGÇ¥ he muttered to himself. For the third time, he attempted to ping his counterpart, and for the third time he received no response, automated or otherwise. The Ishukone made GÇÿUplinkGÇÖ personal comm system was capable of penetrating through several meters worth of armour plating, but the winding nature of the stationGÇÖs corridors, combined with the Sanshas own electronic interference, was making communication through so many obstructions impossible. GÇ£You better be thereGÇ¥ he repeated under his breath, carefully starting down the near pitch black corridor.
The corridor opened up to a semicircular opening on the left with several windowed hatches, while the wall on the right merged into a set of stairs leading upwards to the silo proper. Up there, airlocks guarded access to the large vacuum-sealed pods of the silo itself where refined minerals, some volatile, were themselves stored. Stepping quickly towards the sealed doors on his left, he changed the vision mode on his optic system to thermal, peering inside each window for any signs of body heat. As he moved from one to the next, and found each one devoid of life, a feeling of hopelessness began to creep up on him. Frustrated, he pinged the comm system again, and again he was met with silence.
Ascending the stairs, he was greeted by two massive airlock seals, nearly ten meters apart, with a single instrument panel between them. The console display was distorted and flickered noticeably, but green status readouts for the two rooms could be made out; both sections were devoid of atmosphere.
The manGÇÖs heart sank, and seemingly his body with it as he crouched down with his back to the wall, hanging his head and leaning against his rifle. His mind raced as he considered his next move, so caught up in the emotion of the moment he almost missed the small, flower-shaped barrette lying near the center of the hallway.
Playing since 1st batch of closed beta keys.
|
|
|
| |
|
| Pages: [1] :: one page |
| First page | Previous page | Next page | Last page |