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Denak Kalamari
Intaki Liberation Front
Intaki Prosperity Initiative
859
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Posted - 2014.01.15 16:44:00 -
[1] - Quote
Well, since the theme of this thread seems to be top secret interrogations, I though to make one of my own. Also tried to make it look as formal as possible, be sure to tell me your opinion on it!
Grahisha of ILF // Writer of Thoughts of a Clone Soldier // Latest entry published Jan. 14th
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Denak Kalamari
Intaki Liberation Front
Intaki Prosperity Initiative
863
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Posted - 2014.01.15 18:02:00 -
[2] - Quote
Galm Fae wrote:Holy crap Denak, that was AWESOME!
Thanks :3
Grahisha of ILF // Writer of Thoughts of a Clone Soldier // Latest entry published Jan. 14th
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Denak Kalamari
Intaki Liberation Front
Intaki Prosperity Initiative
866
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Posted - 2014.01.16 09:53:00 -
[3] - Quote
sir ravenwing wrote:Much better than mine
Great
Your intention is good. Your execution of that intention is, **** honestly said.
If you really want to make an "official" interrogation report about your character, the key to that is formality and language. In my document, I went to great lengths to try and make it appear as it would be an actual paper file that was sent to a high-security supervisor. It has a top secret stamp, a Gallente seal to confirm that it's genuine, and I made the wording sound as neutral and clinical as possible. Heck, I even used real agent names from the Federal Intelligence Office corporation.
If you want to improve your own interrogation, first thing you'd have to do is fix your grammar. Spell words correctly, use proper punctuation etc. Doing that makes your interrogation look a lot more professional, and that is what we're looking for here. Next thing would be to avoid using adjectives, and any other descriptive phrases. In example, you wrote this:
sir ravenwing wrote:...ravenwing didn't tense up or even flinch, he sat there emotionless This doesn't fit with the rest of the interrogation transcript, and it gives unnecessary details to the reader. Ask yourself: If this was an actual document, who would read this? Reading the title and looking at the nature of your interrogation, I'd assume that some high-security supervisor would read the transcript. Would this supervisor really need to know how the interrogated didn't flinch when the interrogator swung a sword at his neck? I'd say no, he would already know this from an analysis he read about the interrogated earlier. He wouldn't need to know that the sword the interrogated carries is named Saviren either. In short, just state simply what is happening, nothing more.
And speaking of that, your interrogation seems to be lacking in a few parts. In this you said:
sir ravenwing wrote:ravenwing gives a slight grin Before pointing north
Ravenwing: here
Interrogater: send a team to this point Pointing north where? Was there a map somewhere? Did he point to the ceiling? You have to also have enough details so that the reader knows what is going on. Too little and the transcript just seems unfinished. In that, the reader doesn't need to know that the interrogated is grinning, just that he is pointing at a thing, in this case a map of some sorts.
And thirdly, I'd recommend you made this in a separate website as a real document. You can use formatting tools to make your transcript look more official. Feel free to use mine as a base if you so wish.
Basically, the key to making an official sounding and looking document about an interrogation is proper language, careful use of words and formatting. You should also keep in mind what kind of personalities the interrogator and the interrogated have, which would influence how the interrogation would play out. You should also keep in mind how each empire handles their interrogations, as seen in these chronicles.
For instance, since the interrogation of Denak was made by the Federal Intelligence Office, which is a Gallente corporation, their interrogation and torture would involve a lot of physical pain and injecting the interrogated with drugs to keep him confused and constantly aware of what is going on. You keep pushing him to the absolute limit physically and mentally until he breaks. This can be seen in the injuries report I made. Speaking of which, having CONCORD conduct the interrogation at all or in this kind of manner doesn't really make sense. They're keeping all the empires in check, not conducting secret interrogations on individuals, that's the individual empires' problem.
But yeah, there's my tips for making a fancy looking interrogation report, hope it helped!
Grahisha of ILF // Writer of Thoughts of a Clone Soldier // Latest entry published Jan. 14th
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Denak Kalamari
Intaki Liberation Front
Intaki Prosperity Initiative
869
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Posted - 2014.01.16 12:51:00 -
[4] - Quote
Jakar Umbra wrote:There's just a couple of things I want to add to add to Denak's suggestions:
Censorship makes the report. If a report like that got out in general especially for the Federation it would be fairly damning, however there would still be things in the report that are so damning they would be censored even for a top secret document. Remember to look carefully at what you want to censor. From a fiction point of view, no one wants to look at lines upon lines of black bars so figure out what would be hidden. To figure out what would be censored a good way to look at it would be to ask "What is the most damning?" For the Federation, acts of extreme violence, and heavy sedation methods are an example. The Caldari would be different since they keep everything in house corporation wise, so perhaps information revealed by the subject would actually be censored. Think of it like that. Think of it as only the highest of the highest of top brass would get a full report uncensored, only to be destroyed immediately after they've viewed it in its entirety.
The other thing is to add a little on to Denak's suggestion of keep it clinical. When it comes to certain things in the report try to use phrases and statements that are so simple you would expect to see it in multiple reports. A main one would be: "No response from subject" or "Subject does not respond". In statements like these do not use the subject's name; it somewhat breaks the clinical aspect of the report.
I hope to see what you come up with. I would write one myself but I'd have to be sure if it would fit into Jakar's backstory, which so far does not seem so.
Yes, good points. However, the censorship in my own report was made from the viewpoint of it being disclosed for a certain individual outside of the Gallente intelligence structure. Any information enabling the reader to trace down the origins of this document, or the people involved in it has been censored, as are any particularly shady practices that can't be disclosed for a civilian.
Grahisha of ILF // Writer of Thoughts of a Clone Soldier // Latest entry published Jan. 14th
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Denak Kalamari
Intaki Liberation Front
Intaki Prosperity Initiative
870
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Posted - 2014.01.17 03:20:00 -
[5] - Quote
sir ravenwing wrote:Thnx I'll remind myself Before I post chapter 2 to cover up some parts and stop using ravenwing instead of subject
And denak he pointed to a point a little above the starmap they showed him and I write these at like 2:00am so yeah
Gallente Interrogations couldn't "make him talk" soon he became a threat to concord with some private concord info
And I barely ever read the lore so sorry if I get some lore wrong
This is really the main problem with your writing both here and in the IGS. You just make things up without any further context, and never do fact-checking to see if the lore supports them. I mean, take for example your character pointing north of a starmap. There is nothing beyond the starmap as it's the edge of known space, and if you just vaguely point north, your interrogator can't send a team anywhere. Space is huge, y'know? And all the edges of the map are nullsec space, where CONCORD has no jurisdiction over, judging by how poorly they handled the entire capsuleer call to arms a few months back I doubt they could even reach that far without thte nullsec powerblocs stopping them.
And what private CONCORD info? Were they schematics for their ships? Info about the current state of the Jove? Leaked documents about taking over New Eden entirely? Just vaguely stating "private CONCORD info" sounds a lot like cheapskating. Don't even get me started on the whole premise of your character having his own people living somewhere beyond nullsec in some super secret system.
Honestly said, to me most of pretty much everything you write seems like pointless fluff to show how "cool and awesome" your character is, making up a ton of stuff on the way to further point this out. EVE and DUST RP does not work like that. Lore is everything here, you can't just make things up that ignore the lore. In EVE and DUST RP, you take something that exists, add something to it and make a few tweaks here and there, and you have a story. Take for example my character's backstory:
Denak used to be a smuggler, then a hitman working for the Intaki Syndicate, until he got captured by the Gallente Federation and interrogated by the Federal Intelligence Office. He was being sentenced for life for all the crimes he commited in Gallente space, but was given an alternative to have him pardoned if he turned over his friends and joined the clone soldier program. Why does this fit into the New Eden universe? I'll break it down.
First the hitman and Syndicate part. The Intaki Syndicate is a criminal organization operating in Syndicate space, which is a pirate haven and has a huge market for contraband. Each station is like an autonomous entity of its own, handling its own security and other matters. The crimelords and other criminal people operating these stations often hired outside parties to handle their dirty work. These would be the smugglers, mercenaries and hitmen. Having Denak working as a smuggler and hitman for the Syndicate makes sense in this context. Now the capture and pardon part:
The capturing part is quite straightforward, you can't kill people and smuggle contraband in highsec Gallente space, so when the opportunity rose, the Federation arrested and captured Denak when he entered highsec space for completing contracts. Now, if you have ever heard of the Valklears, they are a Minmatar military unit which mostly consists of ex-criminals. One of their recruiting policies is going around the various Tribal courts offering sentenced criminals pardons if they join the Valklears.
So considering this, it would make sense that the Federation would offer Denak a pardon if he joined a the clone soldier program and gave information about his accomplices that would help in their capture. This makes sense when viewing the lore.
My backstory fits into the lore, the reason why my character is who he is has a reason, and the actions he does have context, he does them because something in the past affected him. In example, why is Denak so indifferent at times and always correcting? His career as a hitman required this. Plans to succesfully complete the contracts required extreme precision and flawless execution, and he had to place his emotions aside to complete them.
So please, read the lore, study it thoroughly. Ask questions here if you have trouble finding answers. But please, don't ever make up completely contradictory things just to make your character look cooler.
Grahisha of ILF // Writer of Thoughts of a Clone Soldier // Latest entry published Jan. 14th
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