Mithridates VI
Imperfects
Negative-Feedback
2307
   |
Posted - 2013.12.23 21:12:00 -
[1] - Quote
Constructive criticism: Starting your advertisement by stating that your corporation has few active members is unlikely to entice anyone to join. You need to reframe this as an opportunity. "Dark Hunters of the Red Moon is a new start-up which aims to (what your aims are here, make them sound exciting). Get in while we're growing and secure your place as a high-roller in the future of this corp."
Additionally, be prepared for players to check your corp out. Here's my first impression:
Dark Hunters of the Red Moon Tax Rate 20.00 %
WHOA, NELLY. What incentive have I been given to contribute 20%? Where is that money going? Let's check the corp description, spacing added by me for legibility, my commentary added in parenthesis:
THERE'S GOING TO BE SOME CHANGES AROUND HERE. (OKAY. WHY ARE YOU YELLING? And why are there big changes after only 20 days of having four active members? It's not very inspiring that your original plan didn't last a month.)
WE WILL NOW HAVE A 20% TAX. (Why? Unless you can convince your corp that this money is being put to good purpose, why do you expect anyone to contribute so?)
FROM NOW ON I WANT YOU DUSTIES TO GET MORE MERC IN THIS CORP. (Very demanding. Not particularly respectful. Tell me again why anyone wants to follow you?)
NOW ARE WE ALL CLEAR!!!! (Oh, goodness. Is this the part in the war movie where we establish that the commander is tough as nails and doesn't take guff from anyone? It's a bit cliche.)
GET TO INVITING MORE MERC NOW MOOOOOOVE OUT. (This yelling sure is going on for a long time.)
IF YOUR IN BATTEL IF THE BATTEL ENDS LOOK FOR MERC PLAYERS IN A NPC CORPORATION AND SEND MAIL ABOUT OUR CORPORATION AND SUCKER PLAYERS BUT NOT THE ONES IN THE BIG CORPORATION. (You just said that anyone who joins your corp is a sucker. You just... do you.... what? Read that again. You called your team suckers. Just, what?)
NO WAIT YES THE ONES IN A BIG CORPORATION. (INDECISIVE LEADERSHIP. THE PERFECT IMAGE TO CONVEY.)
Last but not lease, get more people in the corp. (Oh, well okay. If you say so.)
There is a corporation skill. (This is true but irrelevant to your corp mates. I will laugh so hard if you con your team into skilling into corporate management instead of shooting people.
[/criticism]
Good luck.
Please refrain from utilizing such inflammatory sarcasm in the future. GÇö CCP Eterne
|