|Posted - 2016.12.20 04:37:00 -
 - Quote
Z: Let's get riiiight into the newwwws! Today we are joined by an extra "special" guest: presidential candidate DK.
DK: What do you mean candidate? I already won.
Z: No you didn't.
DK: They told me I won both of the first two debates.
Z: Yeah, that happened.
DK: So I won two out of three of the debates. That means I win.
Z: You have to win the third debate.
Z: You have to win the third debate to become president.
DK: So I have to win all three debates?
Z: No, you only have to win the third one.
DK: So the first two were worthless.
Z: Nah, they were pretty funny. You and Neck looked like fu cking bafoons.
DK: Well this is fu cked. Why the fu ck is the third one the only one that counts?
Z: I don't think anyone but Silver has any idea. He says it is an extremely complicated point system.
DK: That sounds pretty g ay.
Z: You're the one who chose to run in this system.
DK: My plan is to dismantle this bullsh it system when I win and make it favor rich, white males.
Z: Some would argue that it already does.
DK: I guess re tards might say that. I already addressed this in the debate. If the system favored rich, white males, then how do you explain Obamacare.
Z: What the fu ck is Obamacare? Do you mean Kalashnicare?
DK: Yeah, whatever the healthcare sh it that helps ni ggers is called.
Z: I'm glad you bring that up. We have another guest today. President Kalashnikov.
Kalash enters. He is very obviously stoned, per usual.
Kalash: What's up?
DK: So you're the wigger behind Kalashnicare?
Kalash: Look, man, that was supposed to be an act to legalize mari juana. At least I think it was. I was pretty stoned at the time. I don't know how it ended up being a healthcare system.
DK: How the fu ck did this stoner become president?
Z: You ask that while two fu cking re tards are the two main candidates for the current election.
DK: Yeah, I guess you could count Neck as two retards, but I am THE main candidate.
Z: The polls suggest Neck holds a pretty commanding lead.
Kalash: Do either of you guys have any weed?
DK: The polls are utter dogsh it. I could ra pe a woman in the middle of times square and then shoot her and my numbers wouldn't drop.
Z: Didn't you already do that?
DK: I didn't shoot her.
Z: So you admit to committing ra pe?
DK: Sure, it won't hurt my chances of winning anyways. All I have to do is win the last debate. Another reason why the polls are fu cking dogsh it and worthless.
Kalash: Never mind, guys. I found some.
DK: What, dogsh it?
Kalash: No, weed. And I'm not dogsh itting you when I tell you this is the good stuff. You guys want a puff?
Z: Yeah, sure.
DK: As much as I love the weeds, I have an important meeting I need to make it to.
Kalash: OK, bye.
Kalash: Who the he ll was that?
Z: Some irrelevant fa ggot. You mind if I keep saying some news stuff while we smoke? It's part of this job.
Kalash: Nah, go ahead, man.
Z: In other news, a former employee of this news studio was lynched in the streets.
Kalash: Whoa, that's wild.
Z: Yeah, it was fun, too. Also, in the news, after giving authorities a clue as to his identity in a question read in the second debate, one Nick Munson was discovered to be be guilty of petty theft and third degree arson. Before authorities could make the arrest, he fled across the Mexican border. I think that's enough news for today. Anything you want to add, Mr. President?
Kalash: If anyone out there can hook me up with some cheap weed, let me know.
DK video calls Alias on his iPad mini.
DK: This had better be important, you fat fu ckin' nerd. I had to cut my exposure on national TV short to be here right now.
Alias: What do you mean? You told me you needed to talk to me. And you said that was going to be four hours ago.
DK: So how much do you weigh now?
DK: Just answer the question.
Alias: 57 pounds.
DK: Counting your neck.
Alias: Oh, 900 pounds even.
DK: I see that McDonald's has been treating you well.
Alias: So it's going to be one of those kind of calls, huh?
DK: No, I need your help again.
Alias: With what this time?
DK: I want you to hack into Silver's system and crack his point algorithm.
Alias: Look, maybe I can do that, but I don't think there's anything else in the world that you can offer me to make it worth me moving my neck out of the way to do anything but put a double-pounder in my mouth.
DK: A double pounder? That sounds like some g ay ****.
Alias: It's a McDonald's quarter-pounder with eight times the meat. I guess it's g ay how much I love them.
DK: So you really aren't going to do the job for me?
Alias: Not unless you have something else to offer me that would make it worth my while.
DK: How about a girlfriend? I have a daughter that's super hot and I've only touched her a little bit.
Alias: Nah, I already have a girlfriend.
DK: There's no fu cking way.
Alias: Why don't you believe that?
DK: Look at your fu cking neck, you fat wad of grease.
Alias: She accepts me for who I am. Plus she loves my meaty neck.
DK: Yeah, you're definitely making this up.
Alias: Whatever, dude. I guess if you have nothing better to offer, you're going to have to win that debate on your own.
DK: Fine. I don't need your help.
Alias: You only won the first debate because I helped you and nobody even knows how you won the second one. You got wrecked.
DK: Nah, I won because I'm a rich, white, handsome man with a normal sized neck and a massive di ck.
Alias: Yeah, I'm out of here.
My YouTube Channel