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sir ravenwing
B.S.A.A.
General Tso's Alliance
10
   |
Posted - 2013.08.04 23:15:00 -
[1] - Quote
this is the story of a man rumored to have been invincible. now where do i begin
year 2756, a young boy is running through a busy market a few hundred meters away two caldari policeman are barking commands into their coms. the boy is and orphan with no name. |
sir ravenwing
B.S.A.A.
General Tso's Alliance
10
|
Posted - 2013.08.04 23:45:00 -
[2] - Quote
year 2776. 20 years passed and the young boy is now a mercenary with a few million isk and an famous gallante soldier. he was a member of a covert taskforce in bravo squad. to his squad mates, to his superiors, to everyone he was a shadow no one know much about him, all they knew was not to ask him his name. he was a nova knife expert, with his gallante scout dropsuit he was practically a ghost. which is what he was called by his squad mates. |
Denak Kalamari
Intaki Liberation Front
Intaki Prosperity Initiative
318
|
Posted - 2013.08.05 06:15:00 -
[3] - Quote
(Aside the blatant breaching of canon of multible points, it's quite nice) |
True Adamance
PIE Inc.
Praetoria Imperialis Excubitoris
996
|
Posted - 2013.08.05 06:23:00 -
[4] - Quote
Denak Kalamari wrote:(Aside the blatant breaching of canon of multible points, it's quite nice)
((Agreed. TELL ME MOAR WHAT IS THS FELLOWS NAME?)) |
sir ravenwing
B.S.A.A.
General Tso's Alliance
10
|
Posted - 2013.08.05 08:22:00 -
[5] - Quote
next time i reply it will be about "a ghost never dies" but right now just answering the question previously asked which is the name of the mercenary? well like i said he has no name, so he's called ghost which plays into the story's name. |
sir ravenwing
B.S.A.A.
General Tso's Alliance
10
|
Posted - 2013.08.06 00:05:00 -
[6] - Quote
year 2777, bravo squad was assigned a easy mission takeover the most guarded clone facility on caldari prime "how many?" "20 maybe more should be easy hunter." "good you feel that way because ghost just jumped into enemy territory" "WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?" "phantom wait... nevermind lets go" by the time hunter got to the facility phantom and ghost had taken out all the soldiers but ghost had a damaged com. "GET THE HELL OUT OF THE THE LEVATHEN IS COMING DOWN ON THE FACILITY" hunter yelled on his com. everyone managed to escape except for ghost who never heard the order. the levathen crushed the puny facility with ghost in it |
sir ravenwing
B.S.A.A.
General Tso's Alliance
11
|
Posted - 2013.08.06 20:18:00 -
[7] - Quote
yet a figure stands against the blazing fire... |
sir ravenwing
B.S.A.A.
General Tso's Alliance
11
|
Posted - 2013.08.10 02:38:00 -
[8] - Quote
tell me how you guys like it so far and any ideas you might have so i can post pt. 2 soon |
Denak Kalamari
Intaki Liberation Front
Intaki Prosperity Initiative
323
|
Posted - 2013.08.11 04:09:00 -
[9] - Quote
Well, if you want an honest opinion, it's horrible. Not only do you have the dates all wrong not to mention the actual lore, the lack of paragraphing, proper punctuation and grammar makes it very confusing to read. The concept and idea is fine and interesting, but the execution is just sub-par.
How could you improve it? First of all, write with proper spaces and paragraphs to make your stories easier to read and write with as good grammar as you can. Next you should read up on the EVE lore, find out how things actually work in the New Eden universe instead of making up stuff up(hint, a ship size of a small city wouldn't just destroy the clone facility, it would obliterate everything in a ten kilometer radius and cause serious damage up to 30 kilometers, there's now way your merc team could have survived. Also the date is YC115, 20 000 years in the future).
That's how I think how to write a good story/fan fiction at least. |
sir ravenwing
B.S.A.A.
General Tso's Alliance
11
|
Posted - 2013.08.18 13:10:00 -
[10] - Quote
Thanks for the time period denak. I have never read the EVE lore so i had to make it up. As of for the sloppy writing, it was done on a very busy schedule so I didn't have time to correct grammar and all of that stuff. and ghost survived the levhine (sorry that i keep mis-spelling it) for a reason and that will come later. |
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