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Ripley Riley
Incorruptibles
12
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Posted - 2015.11.25 15:39:00 -
[1] - Quote
Clad in the latest Amarr assault vestment, a lone mercenary stares at the holoscreen in his quarters with seemingly blunted affect. Limply his right hand holds a sort of channel changing keypad, his left sits on the metal couchGÇÖs armrest. To the casual observer, he appears to be serenely watching the programs as they play out before himGǪ
The camera rotates in a downward spiral, finally coming to a stop with a handsome news broadcaster mid-frame. He conjures a charming smile.
GÇ£Good evening viewers, itGÇÖs Cemp Bratly bringing you the news and keeping you in the know. Today the SCOPE brings you an exclusive interview with a mercenary celebrity: Cat Merc.GÇ¥
Cat Merc greets him in this way.
GÇ£Cat, weGÇÖve had reports of you taking an extended leave of absence. Some are saying that you have gone into retirement! Can you comment on this?GÇ¥
Cat Merc responds.
"I see, are yo-GÇ¥
The anchor gets cut off as the mercenary requests a new channel. Screeching rock music and dissonance rips through the sound system, then an announcer.
GÇ£He doesnGÇÖt play by the rules of engagement!GÇ¥
A black Caldari assault ck.0 emblazoned with the CONCORD logo is seen dashing down a dark, steamy alley. At the opposite end of the alley two unarmored thugs open fire with plasma rifles.
GÇ£What the ****?! IGÇÖm hitting him but he isnGÇÖt taking any damage! His shields flash but...nothing!GÇ¥ One screams over the loud dakka-dakka of gunfire.
GÇ£Me neither! Is something wrong with our weapons?GÇ¥
The black Caldari warrior draws a Minmatar combat rifle despite his suit providing no assistance to that firearm. He opens fire on the two thugs, their bodies riddled with holes, one speaks.
GǣI-IGǪ how? Why are you even in our ******* region?!Gǥ
The CONCORD officer looks down at the dying thug. GÇ£Polic+¡a de cateo!GÇ¥
Coming this yearGǪ BRAZIL COP 2: Circle Strafe to Hell!
Rated H for HUEHUEHUEHUE
The mercenary sighs at the ad and requests another channel.
A disembodied female voice speaks over a rotating SCOPE logo.
GÇ£We now take you live to the home of Hilmar Veigar where reporter Arkena Wyrnspire is on the scene.GÇ¥
The screen updates to display a reporter clad in Gallente assault apparel speaking frantically.
GÇ£The situation has finally come to a head here as Hilmar Veigar has regressed to only being able to shout GÇÿVR!GÇÖ like some kind of freakish Icelandic pokemon.GÇ¥
A wry chuckle issues from the mercenary as he again flips the channel.
The camera slowly pans over a selection of spices, oils, and bread crumbs. The channelGÇÖs unflappable host then speaks.
GǣAnd once you have ensured the pheasant is nicely cleaned on the inside you can begin to pack in the bread stuffing, spices, and gibletsGǪGǥ
The hostGÇÖs voice shakes a bit as he pushes the mix into the birdGÇÖs cavity...
GÇ£J-just p-pack it in there.GÇ¥
Sweat visibly forms on the cookGÇÖs brow now, his cheeks flushGǪ
GǣIf you have to, just use your f-f-fistGǪ just fist itGǪ right in thereGǪGǥ
The host swallows once, his breath comes in a ragged hiss.
GǣF-fist itGǪ just fist it in thereGǪ FIST IT! Just fist it in there! JUST SHOVE YOUR FIST IN THERE AND FIST IT! POUND IT WITH YOUR FIST! GIVE IT A GOOD FISTING! A GOOD HARD FISTING!Gǥ
Cooking with Jadek seems to have gone offline suddenly. The mercenary raises and eyebrow and changes the channel.
GÇÖIn the Arms of an AngelGÇÖ by Sarah McLachlan plays soothingly as the camera fades in and out to shots of shivering blueberries. Finally, an attractive woman sits with a Minmatar scout curled up in her lap.
GǣThe blueberries need your help, citizen. Everyday, thousands of blueberries attempt public contractsGǪGǥ
The screen fades to a Caldari scout furiously mating with a hostile remote explosive until it detonates, killing him instantly.
GǣThey die in horrific fashionGǪGǥ
An Amarr sentinel with a fully charged forge gun wandering around a battlefield, kilometers from the actual firefight...
GǣSimply get lostGǪGǥ
An Amarr basic dropsuit throwing a drop uplink into a wall...
GǣGenerally be asinineGǪGǥ
A Caldari frontline suit crouch walking up and down stairs while tossing flux grenades at an HAV. The HAV fires itGÇÖs large turret once, splattering the blueberry against the wall.
Gǣ...or whatever the hell this isGǪGǥ
She tenderly looks at the viewer. A comm number appears on the screen.
GÇ£For just 50 ISK a day, you can-GÇ¥
The mercenary has seen this commercial before. While sad, it doesnGÇÖt tug at his heartstrings anymore. Again he changes the channel; he appears to have gone back the original SCOPE broadcast.
GÇ£OH GOD WHY?! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!GÇ¥
The reporter yells as a panicked Cat Merc clings to his face.
Wordlessly the mercenary changes to another channel.
He is greeted with this haunting gazeGǪ
Become the phoenix, rise again
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Ripley Riley
Incorruptibles
12
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Posted - 2015.11.25 15:39:00 -
[2] - Quote
The mercenary scowls behind his visor and disconnects from the network.
HeGǪ (or is it I?) allow my gaze to drift to the left of the holoscreenGǪ staring into the middle distance at the wall, letting my eyes unfocus. The screen becomes a flickering light show, like a pulsar of fireworks, forcing recognition of weaponry firing and warfront chaos. My arms dangle uselessly, belying their deadly capabilities.
In the recesses of my mind I hear the first singsong voicesGǪ
GǣDeployingGǪ GǪ GǪ DeployingGǪ GǪ GǪ DeployingGǪ GǪ ... DeployingGǪ GǪ GǪGǥ
I startle as the comm module on my table chirps.
GÇ£Activate comms.GÇ¥ I mumble to myself. The comm module issues in youthful exuberance, GÇ£Ripley! Hey, we have a job. The pay sucks, but we get to shoot people!GÇ¥ Another voice in the background laughs and shouts GÇ£DEPLOYING COVER!GÇ¥ The first voice laughs along, GÇ£IGÇÖll find us some transportation. CGÇÖmon, itGÇÖll be fun.GÇ¥ Then silence.
I take in deep, slow breath and will my suit to begin making the necessary fireteam connections and create a comm channel. With that same command I issue the master-slave tunnels to my squadmates.
These battles have become a sanctuary from madness. Insanity born of waiting.
I look at the sterile ceiling of my quarters and wonder when the waiting will end.
Become the phoenix, rise again
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Cat Merc
Negative-Feedback.
Negative-Feedback
18
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Posted - 2015.11.25 15:43:00 -
[3] - Quote
https://i.imgur.com/op8V7KE.gif
Ripley Riley:
> Post Hotfix Foxour Gallente Assault:
> DakkadakkadakkadakkaFREEDOMdakkadakka
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Arkena Wyrnspire
Fatal Absolution
28
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Posted - 2015.11.25 15:43:00 -
[4] - Quote
Soon(TM)
potato
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Lightning35 Delta514
The Warlords Legion
2
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Posted - 2015.11.25 15:45:00 -
[5] - Quote
Nice
CEO of T-W-L
Gallente Loyalist
GALLENTE!!! FREEDOM!!! QUAFE!!!
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Georgia Xavier
Incorruptibles
1
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Posted - 2015.11.25 15:48:00 -
[6] - Quote
And thus the based shitpost man smiths another shitpost with the fires of Dust. Glorious
Click for an instant good day! (or atleast cheer you up a bit)
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Keister Shrapnel
K-Mart
47
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Posted - 2015.11.25 15:53:00 -
[7] - Quote
More of this, please :)
If I stopped using explosives, my kdr would be doubled.
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Aiwha Bait
Incorruptibles
310
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Posted - 2015.11.25 15:58:00 -
[8] - Quote
GǣThe blueberries need your help, citizen. Everyday, thousands of blueberries attempt public contractsGǪGǥ
F*cking killed me. GG, based CEO.
"Bait is too adorable to stab" - Zaria Min Deir
Every hole is goal. - 1NC0R
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Mobius Wyvern
Fatal Absolution
Bleeding Sun Conglomerate
7
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Posted - 2015.11.25 16:34:00 -
[9] - Quote
Fantastic.
Amidst the blue skies
A link from past to future
The sheltering wings of the protector
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Banjo Robertson
Random Gunz
Rise Of Legion.
757
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Posted - 2015.11.25 17:13:00 -
[10] - Quote
awesome stuff |
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Bremen van Equis
Incorruptibles
822
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Posted - 2015.11.25 17:45:00 -
[11] - Quote
Where's the channel showing Dreisus preaching to us and handing out endless nanohives and drop uplinks like loaves and fishes?
PRAISE DREISUS...WHO SAVED US FROM BLACK SCREEN SPAWN... PRAISE HIS NAME AND THE PORT THAT HE WILL SURELY BESTOW UPON US!!!
Buckle up, boysGǪthis ramp leads to space. -Axe Cop
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Immortal John Ripper
29
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Posted - 2015.11.25 18:43:00 -
[12] - Quote
I was once lost, but now am found. Thank you catmerc.
I remain unperturbed by the joy and the madness, encountered at every turn.
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Baal Omniscient
Qualified Scrub
2
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Posted - 2015.11.25 18:54:00 -
[13] - Quote
Beautifully done. There's so much comedic potential to be had with these forums and this game and you do it a great justice o7
añ¼añ+añ¦-añ¬añ+añƒañ¦-añÿañ¿añ+añ+añ¦-añªañ+añùañ¿aÑìaññ
"Baal comes...and destruction follows him like a storm."
añ¿añ+añ¦añ¿aÑìaññañ¦añ+añ¿aÑìañºañòañ+añ¦añ+aññ-añªañ+añùañ¿aÑìaññ-añ¦añ¦añÖaÑìañù
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Breakin Stuff
Goonfeet
Special Planetary Emergency Response Group
12
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Posted - 2015.11.25 19:43:00 -
[14] - Quote
This post.
It is a thing of majesty.
WoW has taught me that Purple means Legendary. This means Quafe suits are the optimal loadout for killing all of you.
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Ahkhomi Cypher
Opus Arcana
1
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Posted - 2015.11.25 23:03:00 -
[15] - Quote
As someone that writes for enjoyment I really enjoyed this post for a bunch of reasons. Well done sir.
Tyrant King, Opus Arcana
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Russel Mendoza
Klandatu
330
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Posted - 2015.11.25 23:39:00 -
[16] - Quote
So ripley riley is bored?
I'm the biggest Dustard in the universe!!!
Summoning technique "Gorgon no jutsu"
Vehicle request accepted.
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benandjerrys
Vader's-Fist
The Empire of New Eden
981
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Posted - 2015.11.25 23:43:00 -
[17] - Quote
This belongs on EvE forums
ONE VOICE//ONE COMMUNITY
Support Dust/EvE cross content
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Arkena Wyrnspire
Fatal Absolution
28
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Posted - 2015.11.25 23:49:00 -
[18] - Quote
benandjerrys wrote:This belongs on EvE forums
Why?
It revolves around DUST-specific references.
potato
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P14GU3
WarRavens
1
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Posted - 2015.11.26 02:30:00 -
[19] - Quote
Arkena Wyrnspire wrote:benandjerrys wrote:This belongs on EvE forums Why? It revolves around DUST-specific references.
Maybe there it would be seen more than the 19 people who liked it, because comeon, if you read this, you liked it 
'Sault AK.0 - Logi AK.0 - 'Sault GK.0 - Logi GK.0 - Scout GK.0 - 'Mando MK.0 - Sentinal MK.0
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Kid Chilled
Osmon Surveillance
Caldari State
261
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Posted - 2015.11.26 03:12:00 -
[20] - Quote
Arkena Wyrnspire wrote:
Why?
Y+2=Y
Multiply both sides by 4 giving us 4Y + 8 = 4Y
Resulting in 8=0
Now rub the equation vigorously
8=====0
Port DUST, become MLG.
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duster 35000
636
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Posted - 2015.11.26 03:17:00 -
[21] - Quote
http://i.4cdn.org/mlp/1448488846382.jpg
We'll bang ok?
Shitposting at level 5 proficiency 5
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duster 35000
636
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Posted - 2015.11.26 03:19:00 -
[22] - Quote
OP who hates shitposting? what is his name?
waiit...
AND
HIS
NAME
IS
JOHN
CENA!
We'll bang ok?
Shitposting at level 5 proficiency 5
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Ripley Riley
Incorruptibles
13
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Posted - 2015.11.27 00:54:00 -
[23] - Quote
Bump.
Become the phoenix, rise again
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Joel II X
Bacon with a bottle of Quafe
9
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Posted - 2015.11.27 01:35:00 -
[24] - Quote
While this thread was great, you should never shamelessly bump your own thread. I hope you feel bad.
Scouts United
Gk.0s & Quafes all day.
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Ripley Riley
Incorruptibles
13
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Posted - 2015.11.27 01:42:00 -
[25] - Quote
Joel II X wrote:While this thread was great, you should never shamelessly bump your own thread. I hope you feel bad. Be assured that I feel very
Uncomfortable with the idea of
Manually pushing my post to the front
Page of GD again
Truly, I am sorry. Please accept my gift of **** as an apology.
Become the phoenix, rise again
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Joel II X
Bacon with a bottle of Quafe
9
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Posted - 2015.11.27 02:33:00 -
[26] - Quote
Ripley Riley wrote:Joel II X wrote:While this thread was great, you should never shamelessly bump your own thread. I hope you feel bad. Be assured that I feel very Uncomfortable with the idea of Manually pushing my post to the front Page of GD again Truly, I am sorry. Please accept my gift of **** as an apology.
Holy hell! I hope you rot in the deepest of hells.
Scouts United
Gk.0s & Quafes all day.
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duster 35000
649
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Posted - 2015.11.27 07:21:00 -
[27] - Quote
Ripley Riley wrote:Joel II X wrote:While this thread was great, you should never shamelessly bump your own thread. I hope you feel bad. Be assured that I feel very Uncomfortable with the idea of Manually pushing my post to the front Page of GD again Truly, I am sorry. Please accept my gift of **** as an apology.
******* furfag get off my board
We'll bang ok?
Shitposting at level 5 proficiency 5
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Cat Merc
Negative-Feedback.
Negative-Feedback
18
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Posted - 2015.11.27 07:53:00 -
[28] - Quote
duster 35000 wrote:Ripley Riley wrote:Joel II X wrote:While this thread was great, you should never shamelessly bump your own thread. I hope you feel bad. Be assured that I feel very Uncomfortable with the idea of Manually pushing my post to the front Page of GD again Truly, I am sorry. Please accept my gift of **** as an apology. ******* furfag get off my board
I'm offensive and I find this cat.
Ripley Riley:
> Post Hotfix Foxour Gallente Assault:
> DakkadakkadakkadakkaFREEDOMdakkadakka
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duster 35000
650
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Posted - 2015.11.27 08:00:00 -
[29] - Quote
Cat Merc wrote:duster 35000 wrote:Ripley Riley wrote:Joel II X wrote:While this thread was great, you should never shamelessly bump your own thread. I hope you feel bad. Be assured that I feel very Uncomfortable with the idea of Manually pushing my post to the front Page of GD again Truly, I am sorry. Please accept my gift of **** as an apology. ******* furfag get off my board I'm offensive and I find this cat.
REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
We'll bang ok?
Shitposting at level 5 proficiency 5
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Arkena Wyrnspire
Fatal Absolution
28
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Posted - 2016.01.11 17:57:00 -
[30] - Quote
An important reminder that this exists.
potato
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maybe deadcatz
Serris Inc
2
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Posted - 2016.01.11 18:53:00 -
[31] - Quote
Pointless poke to see if its alive.
Ha!You can't kill me! I'm already dead!
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maybe deadcatz
Serris Inc
2
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Posted - 2016.01.12 15:41:00 -
[32] - Quote
Poke.
Ha!You can't kill me! I'm already dead!
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Apoleon II
105
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Posted - 2016.01.12 15:49:00 -
[33] - Quote
Lol, **** thread
Sorry for my bad english :$
Port dust, ps5 next gen
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DozersMouse XIII
Fatal Absolution
Bleeding Sun Conglomerate
1
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Posted - 2016.01.12 19:36:00 -
[34] - Quote
More cooking with jadek please!
addicted to the Kubo's GMK-16 banana cannon
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maybe deadcatz
Serris Inc
2
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Posted - 2016.01.13 19:10:00 -
[35] - Quote
Shitposting.
Edit:I I wonder what a caldari scout mating with a remote explosive looks like....
Ha!You can't kill me! I'm already dead!
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maybe deadcatz
Serris Inc
2
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Posted - 2016.01.14 16:07:00 -
[36] - Quote
maybe deadcatz wrote:Shitposting.
Edit:I I wonder what a caldari scout mating with a remote explosive looks like....
Help me. I need food. And I still don't know what a calscout mating with a remote explosive looks like
Ha!You can't kill me! I'm already dead!
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