I opened up squad finder the other day and saw at the top of the list, a 3 man squad from a corporation called "Incorruptibles". I joined the squad, introduced myself, and we queued up for a battle. When we got into a battle, the squad asked me, "Would you like to learn the secrets to love?" I responded yes, and this is what they told me

Dont play Warhammer 40k (never heard of it)

Show her your well-tanned scrote. (I'm already quite well 'tanned')

Get KD to 4.53 (in this game? no chance)

Always remember to ratatat dat ass. (+1)

Show her a third degree burn and say you survived a 'Quafe' ScR attack (nope)

If she's a chocolate lady, ask her if she'd like Mormon Jesus to redeem her. (Right off the bat I see three things wrong with this)

Hermaphrodites count as chicks. **** them all (If that's your thing, more power to you)

Show them your Transformers toy collection. Nothing gets a lady wet like 80's toys. (+1)

Here's the secret to women: Spend 15 years of classical training on a brass instrument (trumpet, baritone, etc). Learn to double tongue, learn to triple tongue, learn to circular breathe. When their thighs are making you deaf from squeezing your head so tightly, you're there. (Can already do this without learning to play a brass or woodwind...My instrument was the violin, fwiw)

...and any woman that won't have sex with the lights on isn't being modest. She has warts or herpes or both. (+1)

Don't get erect too fast. Two things can happen: 1) fainting. 2) testicular implosion. 3) Both (??!)

Use Fallout Shelter pickup lines (??!)

Are those your **** or a couple of eight balls in socks? (lalz)

Don't use condoms the girl gives you. She may be crazy and put holes. Once you realize that, move far away. Fast. (+1000)

If you ever run out of condoms just pour listerine on her vagina. This will preemptively kill all your sperm. (good luck with that)

Every hole is a goal (+1)

Get a girl who knows how to work the shaft, head, and balls. (+infinity)

Can hold breath for long periods of time. Flexible. No gag reflex. (not necessarily required)

Pray to Allah for 72 virgins (experienced women > virgins all day err day)

Before coitus, whisper the Litany Against Fear.
"I will not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain." (especially useful when meeting some strange girl off craigslist)

Remember to warm up some towels, because after sex she will become pregnant and you will need to deliver the baby. (why would I need to deliver it? I've already done my job, remember?)

Don't **********. Save your first semen babies for her. (??!)

EDIT: Please feel free to add your own tips to help me in this area.