Aeon Amadi
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Posted - 2015.06.14 14:32:00 -
[1] - Quote
The Word of Steve
I am a devoted follower of Steve, the God of Battlefinders. I would like to take a moment to share my experiences with him. He is a revelation of the undeniable truth. This revelation manifests best after long wait times queing for Faction Warfare while solo, or trying to find a match with only a specific game-mode selected.
If you put your ear to the screen during the death throes of 'Searching For Battle', just at the precipice of 'Waiting For Deployment', Steve will give you a brief glimpse of prophecy of how the battle will turn out. Some say that you can even hear the screams of players desperately trying to turn around a 4v16 match.
Steve can be simultaneously blamed and praised for just about anything. Exceptionally profitable matches, loss of dozens of dropsuits from a one-sided match, etc. The chaotic nature of Steve makes him indifferent to the joys and suffering of clone soldiers. He is a supernatural deity rolling dice to determine our fates. Others speculate that Steve is not a "He", or even a God at all, but rather the embodiment of CCP Dolan and CCP Sabrewing having committed to DBZ-abridged style fusion to create a hit detection breaking Quafe CalScout with a Combat Rifle.
Though Steve has no corporeal form, popular belief is that Steve is a mischievous artificial intelligence left behind by former CCP developers with a spiteful grudge toward the community. The last person who tried to make sense of Steve's influence with physical proof met an untimely demise and history recorded the event as a clone soldier who mysteriously never transferred consciousness. Rumors of the man having carved '514 is a lie' into the center of his own spine, just between the shoulder blades, with a nova knife are the most prolific however there is some variation. What is undisputed, however, is that apart from the implausibility of having self-inflicted the wounds, is that the number and phrasing remains consistent between stories.
Rituals and bylaws are incredibly diverse and have extremes in variety to the point of tedium in trying to form a list of different methods. Some are simple, from "x'ing" or "cancelling" out of the battle finder to complete console resets followed by "bio-breaks" as the platform reboots (this is usually followed by a ridiculous amount of "x'ing" in chat channels to reconvene with previous squads despite the availability of squad finder UI.)
Steve loves conflict but is never consistent on how that conflict is delivered. In some cases, a person non-commital in their worship toward Steve will find a match that is both challenging and fair whereas a person who worships with zealous fervor will experience one-sided, already over, and/or completely empty matches.
Some have tried to appeal to Steve's sense of conflict by changing their fitting doctrine in different ranges. Players have attempted to run 'BPO-only' doctrines only to be pitted against full proto-squads of players from another hemisphere whereas others have attempted 'High Meta Level' fitting doctrines only to be thrown against an entire team of academy drop-outs.
When a player feels that their luck has turned sour, it is because they have incurred the wrath of Steve. Dogma dictates that when one experiences this streak of poor fortune it becomes necessary to placate Steve through sacrifices (though methods of sacrifices vary as much as the rituals themselves). Alternatively, some players, such as the prolific Aeon Amadi, have taken the fight directly to the meta-physical developers of the game in an attempt to find rationality and logic to an unotherwise chaotic, misanthropic belief.
Regardless, the methods of sacrifice are usually befitting of amusement for everyone but the supplicant. Some have said that the use of unorthorodox or even-broken fittings will appease the anger of Steve, such as the infamous Breach Flaylock equipped MinScout fitting with shield regulators and contact grenades. The supplicant almost always dies in anonymity with no viable record to show for it other than the hopes that Steve is conveniently watching at the time.
The most intriguing form of ritual suicide (though strictly prohibitted by Sally, the Warbarge Secretary), is by way of jumping from an MCC without inertial dampeners. Another fond method is to run a MinScout with a Laser Rifle in an attempt to kill oneself through overloading (though this is sometimes mistaken to be part of a reclusive fetish community).
One cannot buy their way out of Steve's Maliciousness, ISK simply will not do, although significant amounts of Aurum may suffice according to rumor. The unfortunate souls are usually forced to spend exorbitant amounts of real money, sing, dance, or even commit to drunken affairs with the hard-drive bay of their respective console (note that the use of SSDs has been scientifically proven to at least slightly appease Steve). When one questions why, the answer is usually something along the lines of "Because Scotty" but this is a misnomer as Scotty is simply Steve's avatar made alphanumeric flesh.
DISCLAIMER: (Based on Bob: The God of Wormholes from Eve Online with some intentional plageurism because I didn't feel like typing)
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