general drake55
Corrosive Synergy
Rise Of Legion.
12
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Posted - 2015.04.27 19:24:00 -
[1] - Quote
This is the story of a legend known throughout the Gallente/Minmatar Empires....
50 Years ago,General Drake started his life as a merc to help stop the Ammar/Caldari factions from destroying countless lives,and taking away the liberty of his allied factions,little do he know that he would stopna years planned conspiracy created by the ammar empress herself that would destroy the gallente /Minmatar factions.....quickly moving up the ranks,he soon found himself being awarded the honor of becoming general,he eventually was asked by the leaders of the gallente to be leader of a top secret military organization under the black ops division,3 after that,his friend contacted him before he died,he simply said "there are " Code Reds"among the gallente,the only proof was audio recording of his friends killer,under the secrecy of darkness,he began investigating for leads within the federation,eventually coming across a compound on the inner sector of the gallente border,on a planet known as peparius vIII,previously unknown planet,concealed by a large astroid belt,here he was able to get the names of the traitors off their computer systems singlehandedly,only to discover an invasion plan involving a new superweapon codenamed "Blood Moon" ,a weapon capable of destroying a planet at long range,without the need to send it behind enemy lines,then destroying the compound,he left for the gallente hq,with the proof,there he requested a meeting with federal leaders,using this info,he provided top officails with the names of the traitors,and the location of the super weapon,then left to begin defending the gallente homeworld,turns out,his friends killer was the one who appointed him as leader of the organization,night storming,who was dishonorably discharged immediately following the revelation,and executed,in a covert operation,the he was able to successfully destroy the amarr weapon,but not before using it against their fleet of ships going for the gallente homework during it to take out their 15 MCC's,the has earned the tittle "The tactician",and is on the top most wanted list of the amarrian princess.
So what is your thoughts?
fight for freedom and what's right,only you have the power to stop the madness.
>Rush at me trolls,I dare you!
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True Adamance
Praetoriani Classiarii Templares
Praetoria Imperialis Excubitoris
18528
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Posted - 2015.04.27 22:26:00 -
[2] - Quote
Honestly its the same advice I give to every Dust Player trying his hand at writing lore.
Never used named character or main factions as plot points.
The simple reason is that the sheer number of titans, failed Imperial conspiracies, slaves liberated, Caldari soldiers killed, etc must honestly have depopulated half of New Eden given how many story's follow almost exactly the same plot as yours.
First'y please don't assume I am being spiteful I truly do wish to help you improve your writing. So lets muddle on shall we?
Let's consider a few plot points that you might want to consider if you plan to do revisions.
-Immortal Cloning Technology is only 3-4 years old at present time so if your character was a mercenary 50 years ago he would have been a mortal one. Thus his physical abilities must remain in line with normal humans.
- The Empress was not in power 50 years ago. At that time she was nothing but an Heir to the Royal Family and if I am not mistaken saw the rule of Heideran VII [a notable peace loving Emperor], Doriam Kador II, and the False Emperor Karsoth [a heretic whose rule was crushed seven years ago when Jamyl took the throne]. Any conspiracy 50 years in the making pre-dates Jamyl and enters the realms of Heideran VII's reign which would not have seen any such violent conspiracies as he truly was a gentle emperor who reshaped the Amarr from a violent nation into the more peaceable and moderate people who exist today.
- Contrary to popular opinion the Gallente and Minmatar aren't the close friends everyone assumes they are.
Now if I were to provide personal feed back on the piece it would be this.
- Tell us more about Drake. What he has done means nothing to me. Who he is means everything to me. Tell us, your readers, what thinks, feels, looks like, who he loves, hates, doesn't care too much about, etc.
E.g- He does not like the Amarr. Why not? Slavery? Is he aware of the nature of slavery of does he choose to be culturally blind? He loves his wife? Does he have kids? Are they his motivation?
- Consider a more moderate revision of your plot. Currently it exceeds the bounds of reasonable doubt and sounds ridiculous [pardon the frankness]. It occurs to me that most writers need to see past their personal vanity and look at making a reasonable and interesting character.
Tone down your plot if you can. New Eden is about the subtleties of politics and places between the black and white, for your character to be interesting he does not have to foil some intergalactic conspiracy [trying to claim such around EVE RPers will get you ignored or worse laughed at] but instead achieve something small that has meaning readers can understand with little trouble.
- In extension of the previous point refine your character so that you have a clear idea of who they are. But please for the love of god do not shoe horn him into a comic book-esque snarky **** who has mastered everything there is to know. These are not relate-able characters people come to like without subtle undertones and themes conveyed through setting and imagery.
A character who has no room for development and is flawless is boring to read so keep in mind to write for your readers not just yourself.
TL;DR
- Cloning Tech is only 3-4 years old
- The Empress wasn't the Empress until 7 years ago and the Emperor ruling 50 years prior was not a hostile character.
- Minmatar and Gallente aren't exactly friends
- Explain who Drake is to us. E.G - His personality
- If you revise your plot try to tone down the scale of the narrative. It's too big and too unbelievable.
- If you develop Drake make him human and unique. Not a stereotypical action hero.
Hope this helps. Good luck.
"MIN MAXING! MIN MAXING! I'M BETTER AT IT THAN YOU!"
- Mobius Wyvern
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Void Echo
Helix Order
2771
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Posted - 2015.04.28 04:56:00 -
[3] - Quote
(True, I sent you a message in game, reply already dammit!!!)
Closed Beta Vet.
CEO: Helix Order.
I have the controlled anger, more dangerous than you.
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general drake55
Corrosive Synergy
Rise Of Legion.
13
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Posted - 2015.04.30 10:32:00 -
[4] - Quote
Void Echo wrote:(True, I sent you a message in game, reply already dammit!!!)
I don't think I got it,anyway servers are down for maintenance now.
fight for freedom and what's right,only you have the power to stop the madness.
>Rush at me trolls,I dare you!
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