| Pages: 1 :: [one page] |
|
|
| Author |
Thread Statistics | Show CCP posts - 0 post(s) |
baniel bj
Sinq Laison Gendarmes
Gallente Federation
0
   |
Posted - 2014.02.25 03:59:00 -
[1] - Quote
Year: 4010
age: 7
"wake up Anthony " dad said I got up with a bad headache and wondering how am I still alive then i thought am i Immortal. " dad are we Immortal ?" " yes son the leader of caldrai state made a deal in order to bring you back is to make us both Immortal and... he's here." A tall man wearing a blue robe can up to me. " hello boy you are now owned by caldrai state, that was the other half of the deal I make u two Immortal and I own you ." The tall man said. " dad what do that means, were is mom?!" dad look scared and me too That's how I knew that this is the Beginning of hell. This is my life as a immortal from kid to adult and so on. This is a preview if u want to talk to me about it contact my other char anthany sandifer thank you. |
baniel bj
Sinq Laison Gendarmes
Gallente Federation
0
|
Posted - 2014.02.25 04:43:00 -
[2] - Quote
I will love to tell me wat u think for the preview |
baniel bj
Sinq Laison Gendarmes
Gallente Federation
0
|
Posted - 2014.02.25 05:51:00 -
[3] - Quote
Would really love some com |
Denak Kalamari
Intaki Liberation Front
Intaki Prosperity Initiative
1202
|
Posted - 2014.02.25 06:22:00 -
[4] - Quote
Well, firstly you have the date all wrong, right now the year is YC116, which is 23356 AD.
Secondly, turning someone into a clone soldier in order to save their life is pointless. Cloning technology can be commonly accessed by anyone if they have enough money. The only difference is that while a normal person has to take regular scans of their brain to keep its info up-to-date, and even then the memory will have gaps if and when that clone is activated, a clone soldier's memory transfer is instant even at death. A more reasonable option would have been that the father purchased a clone, scanned his brain and then activated that clone when the son died for whatever reason.
And keep in mind, you are only "immortal" as long as you have access to clones. If your consciousness has nowhere to transfer to, you're as good as dead and all the effort to install the sleeper implant on you went to waste.
And the Caldari State has no leader, at least not after Tibus Heth's power was overthrown. The Caldari State has no government either, as all the megacorporations handle their own laws and policies. The closest equivalent to a government would be the Chief Executive Panel, which houses all the CEOs of the eight megacorporations in the State and they decide on what policies to have with their corporations.
And if you base this story on either Tibus Heth's reign or the CEP's, it's impossible regardless. No kid, or even adult would be turned to a clone soldier in this kind of way. They sign up for the program, where they do the preliminary training so you can handle the mental strain of the Sleeper implants, and then you get shoved into a clone and left like that. The CEOs of the megas don't meddle stuff like this directly, and thus having them involved like this is just silly.
Don't forget the fact that the clone soldier program haa only existed flr three years max. And being one of the very first dusters means that you're either an Amarr Templar, and should be dead, or a first generation clone who are all insane, who should have their implants upgraded or be dead. Kids just can't be a part of something like this.
The whole premise of the story seems wrong to me, about a man doing a faustian bargain with a Caldari executive in order to save his son's life. The Caldari State and its social structure is a complex thing due to the lack of a central government, and the story just gives me a wrong impression of what Caldari are.
With all that, and the fact that your grammar is atrocious, I have to be frank with you and say your story is sucks. You should refer the EVElopedia to make sure the lore of your story is correct and makes sense in the New Eden universe, and you can ask questions here if you don't want to search it all in EVElopedia.
Grahisha of ILF // Writer of Thoughts of a Clone Soldier // Latest entry published Feb. 10th
|
Heathen Bastard
The Bastard Brigade
1023
|
Posted - 2014.02.25 20:46:00 -
[5] - Quote
huh. I didn't even read past caldrai.
it's caldari.
Cal-da-ri.
If you hear the words "WORTH IT!" look about, something hilarious just happened.
|
Hawk-eye Occultus
Omega Elite Mercs INC.
55
|
Posted - 2014.02.25 21:59:00 -
[6] - Quote
baniel bj wrote:
Year: 4010
Age: 7
***
"Wake up Anthony" dad said in my ear.
I got up with a splitting headache, wondering how I was still alive. Then I had the strangest thought creep into my head: 'Am I immortal?'
"Dad are we Immortal?"
Dad leaned over me and whispered "Yes son. The leader of Caldari State made a deal in order to bring you back; to make us both Immortal and... He's here. To see you."
A tall man wearing a blue robe can up to me. "Hello boy." he said, with a voice of immense gravitate; befitting of such an important man. "You are now owned by Caldari State; as per the agreement, 'I make you immortal, in return for placing yourselves under my ownership.'" The tall man said.
"Dad what does that mean!? Were is mom!?" I said with a noticeable panic in my voice.
Dad looked just as scared as I felt.
That's how I knew that this is the Beginning of hell.
This is my life as a immortal from kid to adult and so on.
(This is a preview, if you want to talk to me about it contact my other char Anthany Sandifer. Thank you.)
Please note, I ran the initial text through my awesomificator so that it read better.
Yeah; this blatantly goes against so much lore. Plus, the premise is just... UGHHHHHH!
Intelligence without ambition; is a bird without wings...
|
Jacques Cayton II
Providence Guard
Templis CALSF
628
|
Posted - 2014.02.26 10:58:00 -
[7] - Quote
You really need to read up on the lore, and have a better story.
We fight for the future of the State not our
personal goals
|
Hawk-eye Occultus
Omega Elite Mercs INC.
56
|
Posted - 2014.02.26 19:47:00 -
[8] - Quote
Wait... How do they have the brain-map?
You need to have your brain mapped before you become either a Capsuleer or a Bunny.
Intelligence without ambition; is a bird without wings...
|
baniel bj
Sinq Laison Gendarmes
Gallente Federation
0
|
Posted - 2014.03.01 02:48:00 -
[9] - Quote
Sorry guys but am new to new eden but i have read the lore after i read it i felt very dumb but planing to make a new and Approve tell next time.
Also join are corp The Caldari Republic
|
baniel bj
Sinq Laison Gendarmes
Gallente Federation
0
|
Posted - 2014.03.01 02:51:00 -
[10] - Quote
Also ******* of
Also join are corp The Caldari Republic
|
|
|
Hawk-eye Occultus
Omega Elite Mercs INC.
57
|
Posted - 2014.03.01 07:52:00 -
[11] - Quote
*Ahem*
LORE BOMB!
* Caldari
* Demographics of the Caldari State
* Tibus Heth (NOTE: As far as I know, he isn't in charge any more. Or alive.)
* Gallente-Caldari War (access the 3 parts from da page)
* The Gallente Federation
There we go. This is plenty of stuff to work with.
Intelligence without ambition; is a bird without wings...
|
baniel bj
Sinq Laison Gendarmes
Gallente Federation
1
|
Posted - 2014.03.01 08:02:00 -
[12] - Quote
I read about the war a few days ago.
Also join are corp The Caldari Republic
|
|
|
| |
|
| Pages: 1 :: [one page] |