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Sebastian Fenn
Rooks Inc.
0
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Posted - 2014.01.30 20:27:00 -
[1] - Quote
The nights sky looked so beautiful when looked up upon from lying on the ground. It seemed like every single star was out, and there was not even a whisper of clouds.
Bright lights flashed in the upper atmosphere, and he had no idea why. The sounds from around
him were muffled and didnGÇÖt seem like realityGǪ Where was he?
GÇ£Fenn..GÇ¥
He moved his hand slightly feeling the dirt and grass around him. He noted that it was quite a warm night and the ambient sounds were intertwining with the sound of his rhythmic breathing
GÇ£Fenn!GÇ¥
There was a sound he couldnGÇÖt put his finger onGǪ a dull repetitive sound. It penetrated everything else he could hear with such force. He moved his head slowly to the side, and let his eyes focus on what was around him.
GÇ£Here, hold this. HeGÇÖs taken a slug to the bottom of the chest. Get his armour off now!GÇ¥
GÇ£HeGÇÖs not going to make it, the round went straight through the reactive membrane.. He will bleed out any second nowGÇ¥
GÇ£Shut up, iGÇÖve dealt with this before. If weGÇÖre lucky it should have cauterised the entry wound, and anything else it went into. Do you see an exit wound? Me ei-GÇ¥
He felt a sudden pressure drop, as he heard the muffled voiced cut off and once again turned his head to the sky. From the heavens above beams of red light came burning down, striking a short distance off, obliterating everything that was once there.
The noise that followed half a second later brought everything into a sharp prospective. He was lying on the ground, bleeding to death on a planet the Amarrian Empire was about to burn in the name of their god.
GÇ£TheyGÇÖre starting to destroy the cities, we need to go now! Forget about him, heGÇÖs just some soldier.GÇ¥
GÇ£We do not leave. I am paying you to protect me, and I will pay you double to protect him. I donGÇÖt care how many more you have to kill.GÇ¥
GÇ£YouGÇÖre forgetting that if IGÇÖm killed here, thatGÇÖs no problem. But youGÇÖre mortal down here, youGÇÖre risking everything you have for him.GÇ¥
GÇ£I know, and I have my reasons behind this. But like I said before, you have a job to do so please stop distracting me.. HeGÇÖs not going to survive. The round has damaged his nervous system. His body is shutting downGǪ I have to do it now or he is gone for good.
Alex looked at the capsuleer with interest. He had a hunch as to what he was doing, but as far as he knew it had never been tried.. let alone it actually working. He watched as he took off the helmet of the nameless Minmatar soldier, and made a small incision on the top right hand side of the skull and took a small implant out of his bag.
Just as this happened, Alex noticed two single red chevrons and a double chevron appear over the ridge close to his employer and the fallen soldier, just as his helmet pinged their location from a passing Minmatar ariel fighter.
GÇ£Jasper, WeGÇÖve got contactsGÇ¥
GÇ£Deal with themGÇ¥
He flipped the safety off his Boundless combat rifle, and sprinted towards the contacts. GÇ£Just another contractGÇ¥ he thought to himself as he felt his heart start to race in anticipation of the fight.
The three soldiers were standing about 50 meters from him, and had not spotted where he was. GÇ£PerfectGÇ¥ he thought as he lined the scope up with the first Amarrian soldier.
JasperGÇÖs hands moved almost automatically, installing the implant into the fallen mans head. He had done it so many times while working with the reanimation program it came naturally.
He heard shots ahead of him, but did not worry. He recognised the fire as AlexGÇÖs and though nothing more of his endeavours, returning to his task
The barrell cooled on his rifle as he lowered it from his shoulder. He proceeded in a light jog towards where the Amarrians used to exist and stopped once he got close.. GǣMercenariesGǪ Just like meGǥ He thought, as he examined the suits. GǣCardiac and pulmonary output is still active.. the suit is keeping them alive,Gǥ He swung his rifle across his shoulder and pulled out his sub machine gun, putting two rounds in each of the mercenaries heads.. Costing them their temporary lives. Just past the now dead guns for hire was a small hill, and beyond that was the capital city of Raa IV. Alex looked on, observing the carnage that was taking place.
The plains around the city were littered with bodies, machines of war, and the buildings people once called home. Fierce fighting was still happening all around the area, but it was clear who was the victor. Minmatar soldiers were getting pushed slowly back into the city, ready to be slaughtered like animals in a pen. above the city an Amarrian MCC Orbited, itGÇÖs anti gravity plates pulsing to keep it at altitude. Bristling and periodically bursting from itGÇÖs hull were beams of light, which in any other case would have been a thing of beauty, but there purpose gave them a cold harsh reality as every second past that they fired, Buildings were destroyed, people were torn apart, all in the name of their Holy Lord.
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True Adamance
Kameira Lodge
Amarr Empire
6407
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Posted - 2014.01.30 21:07:00 -
[2] - Quote
By far and away I like your story the most in terms of Amarr/ Minmatar interaction.
Except you have to remember that on planets in systems like Raa any habitable cities are likely to be temporarily built, and sparsely populated, and most likely military compounds as low sec is where CONCORD allows us to fight away from civilian casualties.
However I like, quite frankly, how you have neither painted the Amarr in a evil or good light. They just "are" in your story. Very well done.
"My Faith in you is absolute; my sword is Yours, My God, and Your will guides me now and for all eternity."
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Denak Kalamari
Intaki Liberation Front
Intaki Prosperity Initiative
966
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Posted - 2014.01.30 21:08:00 -
[3] - Quote
I just read through it, you made it very nicely! Grammar is excellent, the story is interesting and you just generally write really well, hats off to you!
But there is one issue I'm having with this, which is more related to the lore that involves this story. As far as I understood, Jasper was installing the Sleeper implant into a capsuleer as a means of saving his life. It has long been established in the lore that capsuleers can not fit the sleeper implant along with their own capsuleer implant. Even if they could, that would require replacing large parts of the brain with cybernetic implants, something that is simply impossible to do on the field(besides, soft clones are still a way to keep a capsuleer's life, but the side-effects include loss of memory from the point of death to the moment the soft clone was created).
But other than that, you have made a very nice story. Keep up the good work!
EDIT: I also concur with Adamance's comments.
Grahisha of ILF // Writer of Thoughts of a Clone Soldier // Latest entry published Jan. 29th
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Sebastian Fenn
Rooks Inc.
1
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Posted - 2014.01.30 21:15:00 -
[4] - Quote
Thanks for the feedback!
I was struggling on a location, so i just picked a system i remembered fighting in Eve side, so i guess more research is needed.
The Capsuleer is Jasper, And he's installing the implant to the fallen soldier. I didn't know how much of an operation this would have been, so i just went with the basics. Thanks again for the imput. I think more research is needed before i do the next part.
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sir ravenwing
BurgezzE.T.F
Public Disorder.
36
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Posted - 2014.01.30 23:18:00 -
[5] - Quote
Great story
I enjoyed this very much, very descriptive, does not make the Amarr evil like most would, very well written.
Excellent job with this story.
Author of A Raven's Call/ we fight for nothing but the almighty ISK- Sir Ravenwing
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Sebastian Fenn
Rooks Inc.
3
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Posted - 2014.01.30 23:23:00 -
[6] - Quote
Thank you very much! Your comment is very well appreciated. I'll make sure the next part is out tomorrow. |
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