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PARKOUR PRACTIONER
Redline Defense Force
Seekers of the Unseen
465
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Posted - 2014.01.27 11:47:00 -
[1] - Quote
Bullets whizzing by, teammates dropping left and right, the only thing louder than the agonizing screams from the unfortunates are deafening explosions. Still sprinting suddenly falls head over heels into the dirt, he tries to stand, but realizing the best he can do is crawl having receive an arrow clean through his left knee. he crawls forward, over the mostly dead and some still alive teammates. suddenly hes picked up and carried along, moving much faster now. its his brother Spaz, gotta move quicker than that, hang in there he says as he sprints along, more bullets flying, he sees the evac crew and helis providing cover fire almost there says Spaz. he makes it to the heli, tosses Crank in You'll be O- was as far as he got, Crank had no idea where the shot came from, went straight through the center of his chest as the heli takes off, the last thing Spaz saw of his brother that night was his still alive face as he fell out the chopper. Crank gasps, and wakes up having the same dream ever night since, if he managed to sleep at all. He gets up, stretches, washes his face, eats, checks his mission log. Another day, another kill. he says and starts preparing, he packs his bow and arrow that Spaz made for him, IshuKone Nova knives, and his suppressed Scrambler pistol and as he leaves his merc quarters as always he goes to see Spaz, who has been in a coma since. He talks to him, saying the same thing hes always said since that nearly fateful day, ill get the man who did this to you I promise.
Freelance Psycho
I don't mind heavies with light weapons cause I moonwalk around them in slow motion with my shotty
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Denak Kalamari
Intaki Liberation Front
Intaki Prosperity Initiative
921
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Posted - 2014.01.27 11:57:00 -
[2] - Quote
Welp.
Your idea is neat, but execution is ****-poor. There's no clear separation between dialogue and actions, no paragraphs at all, things are left unexplained, not to mention you're making quite a few discrepancies with the lore. I suggest you study a little about proper fiction writing, maybe use the stories people have written here as a base before you start writing your own.
Grahisha of ILF // Writer of Thoughts of a Clone Soldier // Latest entry published Jan. 25th
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PARKOUR PRACTIONER
Redline Defense Force
Seekers of the Unseen
466
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Posted - 2014.01.27 12:12:00 -
[3] - Quote
I know. I just wanted to type it before I forgot.
Freelance Psycho
I don't mind heavies with light weapons cause I moonwalk around them in slow motion with my shotty
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Denak Kalamari
Intaki Liberation Front
Intaki Prosperity Initiative
921
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Posted - 2014.01.27 12:17:00 -
[4] - Quote
There's several programs on your computer and in the internet you can use to save any stories you have in your mind without having to publish it for everyone. Google Drive, Pastebin, Notepad, Microsoft Word etc.
Grahisha of ILF // Writer of Thoughts of a Clone Soldier // Latest entry published Jan. 25th
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True Adamance
Kameira Lodge
Amarr Empire
6225
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Posted - 2014.01.27 20:19:00 -
[5] - Quote
PARKOUR PRACTIONER wrote:I know. I just wanted to type it before I forgot.
Simply consider when you write how your reader will interpret what you have created. In this case I haven't read it yet because it appears to be one large block of writing. I do enjoy reading players writings....but if you could do some tidying up of the passage I would be far more inclined to read it.
Also a lot of meaning can come from passage and sentence length. Short sentences for action.
E.G-
"Bullets whizz by.
Allies drop left and right.
The only thing louder than the agonizing screams from these poor unfortunates is the low, sonorous thumping of explosions."
"My Faith in you is absolute; my sword is Yours, My God, and Your will guides me now and for all eternity."
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PARKOUR PRACTIONER
Redline Defense Force
Seekers of the Unseen
470
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Posted - 2014.01.27 23:17:00 -
[6] - Quote
Thanks guys.
Freelance Psycho
I don't mind heavies with light weapons cause I moonwalk around them in slow motion with my shotty
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sir ravenwing
BurgezzE.T.F
Public Disorder.
35
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Posted - 2014.01.28 02:04:00 -
[7] - Quote
I enjoyed it but it is poorly put together and far too short, barely a passage and confusing. Who is crank and Spaz? Explain this somewhere in the story. Though it had many errors it did have good points too. Keep it up but tidy it up and try not to take up posts for your story unless you have to.
I do not fear my enemies, I fear the damn blueberries
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