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ARES HIMSELF
THE GOD'Z THEMSELVES The Scourge.
149
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Posted - 2013.10.26 02:06:00 -
[1] - Quote
It was 0500 hr It all began as we thought only with a few skrimishs but resulted into a whole invasion between MCDUSTDONALDS and THE NUCLEAR KNIGHTS off the coast of balike, planet Altbrad MCDUSTDONALDS were out numbered 10 to 1 so they sent a distress signal to all Scourge corps in the vasinity. it happen to be that my corp was in the area, i had sent 3 scout ships to see what was going on, to see if this was the beginning. when my scout ships got there, they saw about 90,000 troops with 2,000 vehicles invading fort McDonald there were only 20,000 troops based there at the moment in time when they saw THE NUCLEAR KNIGHTS coming up from above the horizon, they new they were in danger, fort McDonald was lost with great casualtys on both side of the battlefield, there we only one last fort which was fort McDouble which most of its forces was reinforced from the city soilders a total of 60,000 going up against 76,000 feirce soilders, if they brake through McDouble there would be no stopping THE KNIGHTS from getting to the city called THE BURGER. My executive officer DaNizzle4Shizzle gave me a report that the scout ships have been destroyed He looked at me and said " is this the beginning or the end? " Ive replyed " its just the beginning of end" he standed suprised and waited for my following orders while we looked out of our ships port into nothing but dead space...
Part 2 will be based on comments and howd you like it If you would like part 2 just say it :D |
Jin no kami
KILL-EM-QUICK RISE of LEGION
10
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Posted - 2013.10.26 02:40:00 -
[2] - Quote
kool |
SoTa PoP
MoIden Heath PoIice Department EoN.
4167
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Posted - 2013.10.26 02:43:00 -
[3] - Quote
Squaded with the CEO of Nuclear Knights - cool guy. He's surprisingly good too. Hope to see more of them soon. |
ARES HIMSELF
THE GOD'Z THEMSELVES The Scourge.
149
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Posted - 2013.10.26 02:48:00 -
[4] - Quote
SoTa PoP wrote:Squaded with the CEO of Nuclear Knights - cool guy. He's surprisingly good too. Hope to see more of them soon. Um he stole 400,000,000+ million isk from me so no hes not kool P s he gave me 10,000,000 isk back wtf and he really not that good....if you think so you should see me |
SoTa PoP
MoIden Heath PoIice Department EoN.
4169
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Posted - 2013.10.26 02:50:00 -
[5] - Quote
ARES HIMSELF wrote:SoTa PoP wrote:Squaded with the CEO of Nuclear Knights - cool guy. He's surprisingly good too. Hope to see more of them soon. Um he stole 400,000,000+ million isk from me so no hes not kool P s he gave me 10,000,000 isk back wtf and he really not that good....if you think so you should see me You just made him sound even better.
I knew there was somethin' bout that guy. |
TechMechMeds
Swamp Marines Kleenex Inc.
946
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Posted - 2013.10.26 02:56:00 -
[6] - Quote
ARES HIMSELF wrote:It was 0500 hr It all began as we thought only with a few skrimishs but resulted into a whole invasion between MCDUSTDONALDS and THE NUCLEAR KNIGHTS off the coast of balike, planet Altbrad MCDUSTDONALDS were out numbered 10 to 1 so they sent a distress signal to all Scourge corps in the vasinity. it happen to be that my corp was in the area, i had sent 3 scout ships to see what was going on, to see if this was the beginning. when my scout ships got there, they saw about 90,000 troops with 2,000 vehicles invading fort McDonald there were only 20,000 troops based there at the moment in time when they saw THE NUCLEAR KNIGHTS coming up from above the horizon, they new they were in danger, fort McDonald was lost with great casualtys on both side of the battlefield, there we only one last fort which was fort McDouble which most of its forces was reinforced from the city soilders a total of 60,000 going up against 76,000 feirce soilders, if they brake through McDouble there would be no stopping THE KNIGHTS from getting to the city called THE BURGER. My executive officer DaNizzle4Shizzle gave me a report that the scout ships have been destroyed He looked at me and said " is this the beginning or the end? " Ive replyed " its just the beginning of end" he standed suprised and waited for my following orders while we looked out of our ships port into nothing but dead space...
Part 2 will be based on comments and howd you like it If you would like part 2 just say it :D
Nice rp, so basically you lagged more than them. |
True Adamance
PIE Inc. Praetoria Imperialis Excubitoris
3648
|
Posted - 2013.10.26 09:40:00 -
[7] - Quote
You are no God's Architect that's for one thing.... |
Medic 1879
Forsaken Immortals Top Men.
1163
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Posted - 2013.10.26 11:09:00 -
[8] - Quote
I do like people who try to RP matches, but no offence to the OP but its pretty badly spelled its a nice attempt maybe next time get someone to proof read it if you cant. |
ARES HIMSELF
THE GOD'Z THEMSELVES The Scourge.
150
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Posted - 2013.10.26 11:49:00 -
[9] - Quote
Im using my phone to mostly do forums so lets not criticise me on how things are spelled thank you and have a nice day Good day sir |
Medic 1879
Forsaken Immortals Top Men.
1164
|
Posted - 2013.10.26 11:58:00 -
[10] - Quote
Well you know constructive criticism can be helpful I was merely trying to help you before one of the true grammar and spelling nutjobs catches sight of it and decides to troll you endlessly. Beacuse there is always one who goes to far in moaning about spelling and grammar. |
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Patrick57
GunFall Mobilization Covert Intervention
901
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Posted - 2013.10.26 12:39:00 -
[11] - Quote
I found the OP incredibly hard to read..... |
ARES HIMSELF
THE GOD'Z THEMSELVES The Scourge.
168
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Posted - 2013.10.26 12:47:00 -
[12] - Quote
Thank all of you about all of these nice comments
I just want to know if you guys would like a part 2 or not |
Roner General
Ancient Exiles
108
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Posted - 2013.10.26 15:06:00 -
[13] - Quote
Uh oh my old corp is in trouble time to get some AE to help here. Don't be surprise if you see me back in The Nuclear Knights corp |
PHOENIX BATMAN
PwNdCaKeSnRapLeSyrup
32
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Posted - 2013.10.26 15:09:00 -
[14] - Quote
ARES HIMSELF wrote:It was 0500 hr It all began as we thought only with a few skrimishs but resulted into a whole invasion between MCDUSTDONALDS and THE NUCLEAR KNIGHTS off the coast of balike, planet Altbrad MCDUSTDONALDS were out numbered 10 to 1 so they sent a distress signal to all Scourge corps in the vasinity. it happen to be that my corp was in the area, i had sent 3 scout ships to see what was going on, to see if this was the beginning. when my scout ships got there, they saw about 90,000 troops with 2,000 vehicles invading fort McDonald there were only 20,000 troops based there at the moment in time when they saw THE NUCLEAR KNIGHTS coming up from above the horizon, they new they were in danger, fort McDonald was lost with great casualtys on both side of the battlefield, there we only one last fort which was fort McDouble which most of its forces was reinforced from the city soilders a total of 60,000 going up against 76,000 feirce soilders, if they brake through McDouble there would be no stopping THE KNIGHTS from getting to the city called THE BURGER. My executive officer DaNizzle4Shizzle gave me a report that the scout ships have been destroyed He looked at me and said " is this the beginning or the end? " Ive replyed " its just the beginning of end" he standed suprised and waited for my following orders while we looked out of our ships port into nothing but dead space...
Part 2 will be based on comments and howd you like it If you would like part 2 just say it :D
Got boring at the first sentence...oh wait it was the whole thing |
Derrith Erador
Pradox One Proficiency V.
306
|
Posted - 2013.10.26 15:35:00 -
[15] - Quote
Medic 1879 wrote:Well you know constructive criticism can be helpful I was merely trying to help you before one of the true grammar and spelling nutjobs catches sight of it and decides to troll you endlessly. Beacuse there is always one who goes to far in moaning about spelling and grammar.
Yeah, I notice almost all misspellings, but I don't say anything, like how you misspelled because. Whoops |
True Adamance
PIE Inc. Praetoria Imperialis Excubitoris
3654
|
Posted - 2013.10.26 20:40:00 -
[16] - Quote
For criticism, and I mean this is the most constructive way.
When he was writing God's Architect was pushing the bounds of believeablity even within a fictional universe like new Eden, but in this case I would in future not even number the amount of soldier in a conflict, not to mention when talking about cloned soldiers ever number them within the tens of thousands. If you were to embellish your story make it realistic, mention maybe 3-4 units, or in GA's case fleets, something we can tangibly imagine, not 100,000+ Screaming troopers going at it in a low population region of space.
As well I find it difficult to enjoy a story about two corporations no matter how serious and skilled they might be with names that sound like utter jokes.... again not trying to be rude but they do not and will not ever fit seamlessly into cannon. As soon as you listed
"THE BURGER." and "DaNizzle4Shizzle " I could not take the lore seriously. Sorry but this is how it is when it comes to fanfiction.
My main suggestion and this is too al budding lore writer, consider this.
NEVER ever try to make your characters, faction, or whatever it is supremely powerful. No matter how arrogant you are, or how much you want to be some God Soldier able to kill 100,000 men bare handed, or being the Empresses long lost son, or son of some mighty powerful lord, or the origin of some war like Caldari Prime.....
DONT ******* DO IT. Its not an enjoyable read when your character is perfect and able to do things that defy all belief. Grim, gritty, and real are the best character traits. |
soulreaper73
PFB Pink Fluffy Bunnies
460
|
Posted - 2013.10.26 20:43:00 -
[17] - Quote
Hire the Burger King Killers or the Wendy's Warriors to fend off McDustdonalds. |
Medic 1879
Forsaken Immortals Top Men.
1166
|
Posted - 2013.10.27 00:32:00 -
[18] - Quote
Derrith Erador wrote:Medic 1879 wrote:Well you know constructive criticism can be helpful I was merely trying to help you before one of the true grammar and spelling nutjobs catches sight of it and decides to troll you endlessly. Beacuse there is always one who goes to far in moaning about spelling and grammar. Yeah, I notice almost all misspellings, but I don't say anything, like how you misspelled because. Whoops
Its local slang, oh never mind smart ass lol. |
Soulja Ghostface
MCDUSTDONALDS The Scourge.
1616
|
Posted - 2013.10.29 04:23:00 -
[19] - Quote
where in da world did you get the nuclear knights from i actually squaded up with their old CEO. bullet0401. their new CEO john5smith i dont know enough about him ironically i was a member of the knights before epic story. cant wait for part 2 |
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