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general drake55
Eve Defense Force
2
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Posted - 2013.09.11 22:08:00 -
[1] - Quote
This is a draft of a story i might make about how my corporation was formed.let me know how you like it.
5000 years from now in the eve universe,a rogue corporation will threaten the peace between the four races.its name will become known as the corporate destroyers,it is a terrorist organisation with only one goal....total domination of the eve universe.all four races will band together,and form the interstellar corporation known as the eve defense force to stop this threat and restore peace in the eve universe.
prologue:
this is alpha squad,moving into poition.snipers ready....ambush!
general dagon-alpha squad,RESPOND!...commader wiliams-we have lost alpha squad sir,and the weapon. |
sly Bandit
OSG Planetary Operations
Covert Intervention
31
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Posted - 2013.09.11 23:37:00 -
[2] - Quote
who was weapon?? |
True Adamance
PIE Inc.
Praetoria Imperialis Excubitoris
1924
|
Posted - 2013.09.12 00:12:00 -
[3] - Quote
general drake55 wrote:This is a draft of a story i might make about how my corporation was formed.let me know how you like it.
5000 years from now in the eve universe,a rogue corporation will threaten the peace between the four races.its name will become known as the corporate destroyers,it is a terrorist organisation with only one goal....total domination of the eve universe.all four races will band together,and form the interstellar corporation known as the eve defense force to stop this threat and restore peace in the eve universe.
prologue:
this is alpha squad,moving into poition.snipers ready....ambush!
general dagon-alpha squad,RESPOND!...commader wiliams-we have lost alpha squad sir,and the weapon.
(( Breaking cannon?)) |
general drake55
Eve Defense Force
2
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Posted - 2013.09.12 01:44:00 -
[4] - Quote
sly Bandit wrote:who was weapon?? its an excerpt from a draft wrote on a piece of paper,the weapon was a bio wepon desined to seek out and destroy all races,acting as a virus to destro clones that have reanimated,as i sad before its only a rough draft of what im working on.
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Gods Architect
SVER True Blood
Public Disorder.
413
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Posted - 2013.09.12 02:18:00 -
[5] - Quote
general drake55 wrote:This is a draft of a story i might make about how my corporation was formed.let me know how you like it.
5000 years from now in the eve universe,a rogue corporation will threaten the peace between the four races.its name will become known as the corporate destroyers,it is a terrorist organisation with only one goal....total domination of the eve universe.all four races will band together,and form the interstellar corporation known as the eve defense force to stop this threat and restore peace in the eve universe.
prologue:
this is alpha squad,moving into poition.snipers ready....ambush!
general dagon-alpha squad,RESPOND!...commader wiliams-we have lost alpha squad sir,and the weapon.
Let me help you out, bro
Every 5000 years or so there is a great catastrophe, every 5000 years New Eden has burned. A long forgotten rogue corporation vowed vengeance on four races told they would return. We thought we were safe. We thought we were untouchable, that this era of peace between the races in New Eden would last millenniums. We fooled into believing this lie, and they have returned.
From dark space they emerge from the blackness. Within months they overran the outer colonies, burn planets and destroyed fleets. For the first time in over two millennia Eve was threaten, once again a mandate was reinstated, once again the races band together under the banner Eve Defense Force. Once again people will die to stop a threat retain peace. Once again we are at war.
Prologue:
"Shu, keep it quiet and low!" Rodney whispers while he tracked the enemy movement on the road.
Each man in the squad leveled their weapons as the enemy approached in the kill zone. All ears were fixed on the squad leader waiting for the command to engage. This is the first time they've been in a battle most of them haven't used their rifle since training. Then the radio went on.
"Alpha squad respond!" Commander Williams shouted,
"Sh't!" Yuina said as the enemy solders turn to them.... |
Denak Kalamari
Intaki Liberation Front
Intaki Prosperity Initiative
448
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Posted - 2013.09.12 03:45:00 -
[6] - Quote
Okay, let's ask some questions:
How does anyone know what is going to happen in 5000 years?
What Eve universe? The name of this galaxy is New Eden, only thing named Eve is the EVE Gate.
How does this "weapon" work? Is it a gas? A virus? Some kind of radiation?
How is this alleged empire destroyer going to destroy the empires? New Eden is huge, and no matter how big you can grow your corporation with capsuleers and clone soldiers it barely scratches the number of baseliners that exist.
Speaking of that, how are they going to get this weapon of theirs to reach every single empire citizen? You'd basically have to attack the entire galaxy at once which is a logistical nightmare, not to mention that the organization would still be greatly outnumbered.
Restore peace? The only reason the four empires aren't at each other's throats right now is because of the Empyrean War, and even at the best of times there's only been a shaky truce/cease fire between the empires.
Basically, your story has plotholes, doesn't make sense, breaches canon and is poorly written, that's an honest opinion for you. |
Gods Architect
SVER True Blood
Public Disorder.
415
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Posted - 2013.09.12 04:37:00 -
[7] - Quote
^^ don't kill him like that :p |
Denak Kalamari
Intaki Liberation Front
Intaki Prosperity Initiative
449
|
Posted - 2013.09.12 04:50:00 -
[8] - Quote
Gods Architect wrote:^^ don't kill him like that :p
He wanted feedback, I gave him feedback. |
general drake55
Eve Defense Force
2
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Posted - 2013.09.12 11:20:00 -
[9] - Quote
Denak Kalamari wrote:Gods Architect wrote:^^ don't kill him like that :p He wanted feedback, I gave him feedback.
hes right though,im not very informative on this,and i have limited knowledge on new eden. |
General John Ripper
The Generals
EoN.
2375
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Posted - 2013.09.12 13:28:00 -
[10] - Quote
o7
fellow general |
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