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steadyhand amarr
Imperfects
Negative-Feedback
1120
   |
Posted - 2013.08.19 19:30:00 -
[1] - Quote
a tall stock clone was sitting down in a shimmering golden room left bare but for most basic needs. idly flicks on the market tab like some many times before and browses the tabs thinking to himself thats 100 new dropsuits, guns,boosters, vehicles, a knock at the door.
Wait...
The clone looks around revealing a pale white face with eyes as black as night failing to blink when it should,and its face plane but flawless. it waited... content it was just hearing things it again moves back to look at the market when it again hears three faint knocks on the door.
No one ever knocks on his door even his slaves entered and left as they pleased security was something that only matter to those that feared death or had an item to lose.
GÇ£i have a package for a EdenGÇ¥ spoke a sharp office voice
The clone slowly stood up arming a scramble pistol as he walked towards the door.
GÇ£whos the package fromGÇ¥ spoke the clone in a thick amarr accent normally associated with those who were raised around GÇ£faithGÇ¥
GÇ£Mordu, wrapped it himselfGÇ¥ spoke the voice with a small hint of amusement. GÇ£said it would show who blew up that mining stationGÇ¥.
With unnatural speed Eden almost ripped open the door and took the package his eyes open with fear and rage. The official stood their shocked and suddenly showing a small hint of fear. Eden looked up smirking GÇ£whatGÇÖs a matter never seen one of us outside our amourGÇ¥
GÇ£no sir sorry sir i didnGÇÖt mean to stare if i had knowGÇ¥ spoke the official stammering
Eden entered his quarters not stopping to listen to offers ramble he slowly open the packagem discarding the rubbish on the floor only for a hidden figure to snatch it up and dispose of it. Eden study the writing carefully muttering the odd word to himself.
GÇ£Meeting...exchange of fresh bodys....raiders...capsular will be present at exchange....location!GÇ¥
GÇ£DID YOU READ THISGÇ¥ shouted Eden suddenly looking at the official.
GÇ£no sir mordu said i would be killed if i didGÇ¥
GÇ£Good, i need you make a few calls to people who would rather not be foundGÇ¥
GÇ£yes sir anything you need...mordu expects paGÇ¥
GÇ£mordu already got his payment, templars donGÇÖt come cheepGÇ¥ Eden shoved the datapad back at the official and didnGÇÖt wait to see if official had left and processed to re-open the market where a warm female voice greeted him.
GÇ£ah steady how you doing what can i get you todayGÇ¥ spoke the rather happy voice
GÇ£a bit different today, im going to need untracked drop suits that can operate in zero grav, oh and 50 imperial scrambler riflesGÇ¥ spoke Steady in a clam and even tone.
GÇ£no problem steady but i will have to report this to the templar program your going off mandate againGÇ¥ spoke the voice with a hint of concern
GÇ£donGÇÖt worry im going to kill some bloodraiders, nothing to worry aboutGÇ¥ a small and rare grin kept across his face
***********************************************************************************************************************************************
25 years ago undisclosed mining station.
GÇ£**** FUCK ****GÇ¥ a man frantically runs around a room throwing a dead body off a chair and flashes an image up on the screen.
GÇ£**** yeh he is certainly coming this way, he just took out the fleetl like they were ratsGÇ¥ the man white with fear looked around the room taking paniced breaths.
GÇ£right we taking no chances here get everybody off the station NOW!GÇ¥ within frantic seconds the room was empty leaving only the man staring at faintly glowing ship approach looking at the tracking data he could see the ship would be in firing range within minutes .
********************************************************************************************************************************************************
GÇ£SIR, MADAM YOU HAVE TO GO NOWGÇ¥ shouted a heavily armed man.
GÇ£**** YOU, im not leaving without my boy if you assholes had not shot out the door we would be able to get in hereGÇ¥ a man in his late 40s was desperately trying to get the door open was his wife frantically pacing in the background. Among the din a childs voice on the other side can be heard.
GÇ£DAD WHATS GOING ON WHERES MUM...have the bad people goneGÇ¥ the child sobbing quietly.
GÇ£not quite eden...the bad people are now going to help us they have suddenly found their faith" the man looks round at the trooper negelating what little fear he had left for him "GOD DAMIT WHY DONT YOU BLAST OPEN THE DOOR OR SOMETHINGGÇ¥ the father voice was full of fear and panic knowing of the impending die line
GÇ£oh god damit, we donGÇÖt have time for this move i have a cutting toolGÇ¥ The soldier starts cutting though the door with practiced precision when a voice opens up on the intercom suddnely making him hurry up all the more.
GÇ£everybody if you have not gone off the station now its too late the ship is within firing rangeGÇ¥ as the voice finishes the soldier opens the door to see a small boy sitting down crying wearing only a few rags and a necklace.
*******************************************************************************************************************************************************
Eden looks up seeing a towering figure dressed like the villains in the holo realGÇÖs he watched . seeing the figure eden goes to let out a mighty scream when feels a great amount of heat and than nothing at all. Only hearing screams and shortly afterwards he fills a heavy hand place something over his head...then nothing
********************************************************************************************************************************************************
GÇ£Oh my god get you asses over here now, we have a survivor. Small boy looks like the raiders amour took most of the blast and his breathing kits over the body, the electrical fire must have kept the body warm...roger that the sisters rescue team will be here shortly i donGÇÖt want to move anything till they get hereGÇ¥
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steadyhand amarr
Imperfects
Negative-Feedback
1120
|
Posted - 2013.08.19 19:31:00 -
[2] - Quote
doing it in chapters as im trying a new writing style out please give feedback as im trying to improve where i can
note this was around 1 hours writing as i limited free time weekend chapters will be at a higher quality :) |
Mistaahh Juvenile
Synergy United
4
|
Posted - 2013.08.19 19:54:00 -
[3] - Quote
I advice to censor those swears, else you might get in trouble, amsp prganise a bit, but for the rest, it looks quite good. |
steadyhand amarr
Imperfects
Negative-Feedback
1122
|
Posted - 2013.08.19 20:21:00 -
[4] - Quote
WHOPS will do that now i found a fourm bug lol |
True Adamance
PIE Inc.
Praetoria Imperialis Excubitoris
1368
|
Posted - 2013.08.19 21:56:00 -
[5] - Quote
Mistaahh Juvenile wrote:I advice to censor those swears, else you might get in trouble, amsp prganise a bit, but for the rest, it looks quite good.
Personally I don't think the swearing is necessarily so bad. Sure on a forum you do want to watch it but when it comes to creative writing there certainly is a technique to using profanities without going over board.
E.g- "He cursed loudly" would indicate something bad, something is bad, or something bad has happened.
"****" me muttered under his breath. The sharp inhilation....." Would indicated something worse of more important to the character, something morally appalling, negative, or fundamentally wrong has occurred to break your characters composure, and your composure as an author.
If I could make any advice and I always like people to critique my own works, it would be to depict more of what is happening in steady's world. Are his quarters cold, warm, what adorns them, what does this Eden man look like, remind him of, what does the womans voice remind him of.
Could you perhaps give us a little more exposition about Steady and the Station explosion. Medias res is a great place to start but only if you intend to fully encompass a character. |
steadyhand amarr
Imperfects
Negative-Feedback
1125
|
Posted - 2013.08.20 07:16:00 -
[6] - Quote
Thank u for your thoughts true. Will try and a bir more detail around what's going on. Also the plan is too keep the tempo high so when u read the whole thing it flows quickly giving snapshots.
I felt going into too much detail would slow the pace down to much. Hmm got an idea for tonight's chapter :-) |
Mistaahh Juvenile
Synergy United
4
|
Posted - 2013.08.20 20:21:00 -
[7] - Quote
True Adamance wrote:Mistaahh Juvenile wrote:I advice to censor those swears, else you might get in trouble, amsp prganise a bit, but for the rest, it looks quite good. Personally I don't think the swearing is necessarily so bad. Sure on a forum you do want to watch it but when it comes to creative writing there certainly is a technique to using profanities without going over board. E.g- "He cursed loudly" would indicate something bad, something is bad, or something bad has happened. "****" me muttered under his breath. The sharp inhilation....." Would indicated something worse of more important to the character, something morally appalling, negative, or fundamentally wrong has occurred to break your characters composure, and your composure as an author. If I could make any advice and I always like people to critique my own works, it would be to depict more of what is happening in steady's world. Are his quarters cold, warm, what adorns them, what does this Eden man look like, remind him of, what does the womans voice remind him of. Could you perhaps give us a little more exposition about Steady and the Station explosion. Medias res is a great place to start but only if you intend to fully encompass a character.
*whisles admirable* |
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