|Posted - 2016.12.02 03:56:00 -
 - Quote
Somewhere on a bed located in a perpetually disappointed set of parents' basement, a hacker with a 400 pound neck sits with a triple quarter-pounder in his dominant hand and a trackball mouse in the other. He receives a Skype video call and answers.
Alias: Who is it?
DK: You can see me, fa ggot.
Alias: I COULD see you, but my neck's in the way. Besides, I have something else to focus on.
Alias: This triple quarter-pounder.
DK: Jesus you're obese.
Alias: It's not my fault they don't make double double quarter-pounders so I have to get 2 triples.
DK: Just stop eating so much fast food.
Alias: Dude, I can't help it. I love McDonald's and it goes straight to my neck.
DK: I think you have a serious problem when your neck weighs 4 times the rest of your body.
Alias: So did you call just to insult me?
DK: No, I need your hacking skills.
Alias: For what?
DK: I need you to leak somebody's Skype logs.
Alias: Why should I help you. You've called me every day for the last year just to call me a fat fu ck.
DK: I'll buy you 2-3 weeks worth of McDonald's
Alias: Do you have any idea how much money that would cost?
DK: I think so, but I still can't believe it. Now that I think of it, buying you your own personal McDonald's would probably be much cheaper. Sound good?
Alias: (salivating) Uh-huh. Whos skype log?
Cut to a news broadcast in early March.
Z: Hello, ladies and gentleman, and thank you for tuning in. My name is Z, A.K.A. Zederick Stormington, A.K.A. Deth Angel Ice, A.K.A. that guy. We have two major stories tonight, both relating to presidential candidates. First, the Democratic nominee, Neck, has had his Skype logs leaked. If you want some shock, disgust, and disbelief in your life as well as a reason to question just how low a human being will stoop in desperation for attention for attention from women, they can be found on www.Brazzers.edu. The second story involves the Republican nominee, Donald Krump, or DK for short. He has been accused of **** by a young, homely, Hispanic girl. Bring her in.
Pack enters in front of the camera.
Pack: That ni gga raped me.
Z: You aren't a girl.
Pack: Ni gga, the fu ck'd you say?
Z: I said there's no way you're a girl.
Pack: 'Course I am. I got a pu ssy and everything.
Z: If you was a hot bi tch I'd ask you to prove it, but I don't want to see that **** from you either way. I guess we can agree that you are just a really fu ckin' ugly h o.
An intern talks from off-screen.
Forty: Sir, this is on live national television.
Z: Yeah, so what? You think I give a fu ck? Go make me some coffee before I fire your a ss.
Forty: Yes, sir.
Z: So, Pack, you say that DK ra ped you?
Pack: Yeah, ni gga.
Z: Can you tell us what happened?
Pack: Naw, c'mon man, it's embarrassing.
Z: Look, I don't know if you're aware of how this works, but for you to get your h o-a ss your 5 seconds of fame, you need to tell us exactly how, when, where, in the presence of who, what he used, and the amount of force he did it with.
Pack: Ok, but I want my homies in the hood to know that I ain't no ***** and I ain't no snitch.
Z: You know the people from your neighborhood aren't watching the news if they even have TVs. Besides, you're obviously both of those things. Now tell us about it.
Pack: Basically what happened was he walked up behind me and grabbed me by my loose-a ss pu ssy.
Z: And then what?
Pack: He pulled me into an alley and told me to stay quiet and he would give me some money.
Z: How much money?
Pack: A fiddy. And so I said OK.
Z: Fifty dollars?
Pack: Yeah, a ni gga's gotta eat.
Z: No, I meant fifty dollars is way too much. I wouldn't fu ck you if YOU paid ME.
Pack: Well, I guess that isn't what this ni gga thought. Then I bent over and he pulled down his pants. Then he tried to **** me down, but I started to run.
Z: Why? I thought you came to an agreement.
Pack: I mean, I ain't no puss-boy, but that ni gga had the biggest **** I ever saw. And I seen a lotta **** in my day.
Z: So, he didn't **** you then?
Pack: See, what happened was I tried to run away, but that ni gga's quicker than he looks plus I tripped since I never pulled up my pants. Right before he stuck it in my ass, he shouted "no one is safe from my massive dong." He finished in about a minute fiddy and left. Bi tch-a ss ni gga never even paid me.
Z: So, can you point to the place on this doll where he touched you?
Pack: Bi tch, I just told you he fu cked me right in the a ss with his enormous co ck.
Z: I know, I just wanted to demean you a little more. Now get your disgusting a ss out of my studio.
Late September. The first presidential debate.
Silver: We are here with the Republican and Democratic candidates, DK and Neck. I'm your moderator. Let's get right into it. Neck, go ahead and give your opening remarks.
DK: Why does he get to go first?
Silver: He won the coin flip.
DK: That **** was rigged and we all know it.
Silver: I'm going to need you to stop talking right now or you will lose points.
DK: There are points?
DK: Whoever gets the most wins?
DK: I never lose.
Silver: OK, go ahead Neck.
Neck: First off, my opponent is a co ck-sucking, fa ggot-ass, sh it-eating, ret arded bi tch-ni gger, so I should win this election by default. Plus he's a rapist. He should be absolutely lynched.
Silver: Your turn, DK.
DK: Look, we all saw the Skype logs. We all know who the real piece of **** is here.
Neck: What do you mean you saw my Skype logs? I deleted those.
Silver: You didn't know about the logs? They've been public for over 6 months.
DK: See, he's ret arded.
Silver: We'll be back after a commercial break.
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