|Posted - 2016.11.20 10:05:00 -
 - Quote
Somewhere in the Canadian wilderness, a group of goons goes on a camping trip in the middle of summer as is their biennial tradition. They've known each other for a very long time, but still not long enough to learn to like each other. Piled in their extra-mini minivan, they argue as they always do.
Neck: You're a ******* ****** and a dumb baby-**** ******.
Neck: No, Alias.
DK: Oh, yeah, you're right.
Alias: No he's not.
Neck: Dude, you're aaawful. Nobody's worse than you.
Pack: What about Pack?
Neck: Except for Pack.
Pack: *****, **** you.
Alias: And what about Gustavo?
Neck: No, he's better than you.
Shep: Neck, are you actually ********?
Neck: No, you are and Alias is actually dogshit.
Shep: I'm ********?
Z: He's just salty that he can only get kills with OP guns
Neck: *****, what did you say?
Gus: Guys, this hentai is really good.
Alias: He's right, you use the most OP stuff.
Neck: Alright, let's see how we do against the top GB team. I guarantee you all go 0 and 4 and I go positive.
Kalash: All of you shut up or I'm turning this car around.
After numerous hours of this mind-numbing circle-jerk, they arrive at their destination: a secluded campsite miles away from any sign of civilization.
Kalash: Looks like we had just enough gas to get here.
Shep: We don't have any gas to get back?
Kalash: That's what I said.
Shep: Why don't we have any more?
Kalash: Don't ask me, that was Pack's job.
Shep: Well, Pack, what do you have to say for yourself?
Pack: That's my bad, my Gs.
Neck: You really are more ******** than Alias.
Alias: I told you that.
DK: Well, he can't just believe someone as ******** as you are, Alias.
Shep: You're all ********. Did we at least remember the tent.
Neck: Yeah, I brought it.
Neck brings out a small tent which would fit in it, at best, two small men spooning.
Gus: That tent barely has enough room in it for me and my body pillow.
Alias: And you say I'm ********?
Neck: Yeah, you have straight-up down syndrome.
Z: Then why are you the one who brought the one-person tent?
Neck: DK said it was big enough.
DK: No I didn't. I said it wasn't big enough.
Neck: That's not what you said, you dumb *****.
DK: (laughing) Yeah, you're right.
Shep: DK, why?
DK: It's fun to troll Neck.
Shep: Well, now we have no shelter.
Neck: Yeah, fuckface.
Shep: Neck, why would you listen to him about the tent being big enough?
Neck: I thought he knew what he was talking about.
Z: But he trolls you all the time.
Shep: Actually lobotomized.
Neck: I'm still not as ******** as Alias.
In short order, the sun sets.
Gus: At least we had a tarp and sleeping bags. And we got this nice fire going.
Shep: Yeah, this fire's not bad. Who started it?
Pack: I did.
Neck: No way.
Pack. Yeah I did. It was easy with all that gasoline.
Pack: Yeah, you guys told me to bring it.
Shep: You said you didn't bring any when we asked before.
Pack: Well I wasn't counting the gas I needed to start a fire.
Neck: Are you ******* kidding me?
Pack: What? At least I started a fire.
Z: But now we're stuck here, Pack. How are we supposed to get home?
Pack: I thought we already knew we were stuck here.
Alias: And you questioned whether Pack was more ******** than me, DK.
DK: No I didn't. I just said you're ********, too.
Gus: That is true, guys. He did say that.
Z: Hey guys, where's Kalash?
Shep: I don't know, did anyone see him go anywhere?
Alias: Maybe he got lost.
DK: We haven't gone anywhere since we got to the campsite. How would he have got lost?
Alias: Maybe he went to take a ****.
DK: Why wouldn't he have said anything if that's what he was doing.
Alias: I don't know.
Pack: Should we go look for him or something?
Neck: Nah, he'll probably be back soon.
They return to their natural state. After another period of unintelligible argument, they hear a noise nearby.
Z: Did you guys hear that?
Alias: It's probably just Kalash.
Shep: (loudly) Kalash, is that you?
Gus: Quiet, dude.
Shep: Why? What if it is him and he is lost?
Gus: I've read enough fanfics to know that you need to be careful when in the woods surrounded by men late at night.
A while passes and they don't hear anything else for a while.
Shep: He must be lost. No use searching in the dark. Kalash can take care of himself. We can go look for him in the morning.
Z: So what was that noise then?
Alias: Doesn't matter.
DK: Yeah, let's just go to bed. I'm really tired of hearing Neck *****.
Gus: Nighty night, boys.
All of them manage to fall asleep but they are woke by another noise. This one is much louder and seemingly much less likely Kalash.
Z: Did you guys hear that one?
DK: Hear? I'm more worried about that smell. What is that?
Pack: Oh ****, Neck **** the bed!
Shep: Oh my god, he literally **** the bed.
Neck: Shut the **** up, faggots.
Gus: Guys, what should we do? It sounds like it's getting closer.
An even louder noise.
DK: We should probably run.
Pack: Nah, **** that. I'm gonna end this kid.
Pack pulls out a gun.
Alias: Did you have that in your pants this whole time.
Pack: In case I need to cap a *****.
Alias: OK. What if that's Kalash?
Pack: **** that *****.
Pack runs toward the noise and Kalash simultaneously comes out of the woods from a different direction.
Kalash: Where's he going?
Alias: After a noise we heard.
Shep: No, Kalash is here now, he's going after nothing.
Kalash: That noise wasn't me. I heard it, too.
Z: So where were you all this time?
Kalash: I had to take a leak.
Alias: I told you guys.
DK: Hey Kalash, Neck **** the bed.
Kalash: What else is new?
Kalash: That's pretty funny. Neck, you're such a ******.
To be continued.
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